Jesus Christ Endorses Vape Brand, Church Attendance Triples

In a bizarre incident on September 2, 2025, Jesus Christ was reportedly escorted out of a Walmart in Tulsa, Oklahoma, after being caught attempting to shoplift several bottles of red wine. Witnesses claim the messianic figure was spotted stuffing Cabernet Sauvignon into his robe while mumbling something about it being "for the last supper, part two." This marks the third time this month that Jesus has been removed from a retail establishment under similar circumstances.According to store security, who were understandably hesitant to wrestle with the alleged Son of God, Jesus explained that "all things are communal," and therefore so...

In a move that shocked even the most seasoned space enthusiasts, Elon Musk's SpaceX today launched a Falcon Heavy rocket filled with nude photographs of the billionaire himself. The payload, humorously dubbed 'Mission Full Exposure,' was sent skyward from Cape Canaveral as Musk asserted it was a revolutionary leap for scientific advancement in the field of interstellar eroticism. As the thrusters ignited, onlookers couldn't help but speculate whether Musk had finally lost touch with Earth's gravitational pull or just his sanity.According to an official statement from SpaceX, the provocative payload is intended to study 'the effects of high-altitude exposure on human confidence and...

A recent incident at a waffle house in Birmingham, Alabama, has left one Flat Earth enthusiast both physically bruised and seemingly vindicated. Local conspiracy theorist Earl “The Edge” Thompson suffered minor injuries after toppling off a stool at the local greasy spoon, claiming the fall as definitive proof of the Earth’s flatness. Witnesses report that Thompson’s descent was as dramatic as his claims, ending with him sprawled out on the sticky tile. In an official statement made from his hospital bed, Thompson asserted, “They told me gravity...

In a shocking turn of events this past Saturday night, a local punk rock aficionado was apprehended at a Nashville Waffle House after inciting a full-fledged mosh pit within the confines of the breakfast joint. Patrons were caught off guard as greasy hash browns flew through the air like projectile missiles amidst a cacophony of clattering plates and guttural screams. Witnesses claim that the incident began when the jukebox inexplicably started blasting The Sex Pistols' 'Anarchy in the U.K.' without anyone putting in quarters.According...

In a shocking revelation today, September 24, 2025, representatives from the Galactic Alcohol Trade Commission (GATC) announced that UFO sightings have dramatically declined because extraterrestrial visitors are refusing to land until Earth's bar tab is settled. The tab, reportedly accrued at cosmic speakeasies across multiple galaxies, includes charges for zero-gravity tequila shots and interstellar lap dances. Major cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Wichita have been hit hardest by the reduction in alien tourism, causing both celebration and concern. According to an intergalactic memo intercepted by NASA's cybersecurity team, the aliens have filed an official grievance stating, "Earth owes us more than just a...

OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney and Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo are slated to meet this September for what officials are calling a “historic bilateral summit of meaningful silence.” The two leaders, citing a shared interest in “strategic hemispheric cooperation,” confirmed that no official agenda has been set — aside from deliberately not inviting anyone from Washington. According to leaked diplomatic cables obtained by...

WASHINGTON - In a move both bewildering and oddly poetic, former President Donald Trump has reportedly secured "more time" for Vladimir Putin - and tossed in a bouquet of flowers, just because. The gesture, officials say, is “less about diplomacy and more about D.C.-style charm,” encapsulated perfectly by Trump’s vow to “give Putin a ring as...

In a press conference held aboard a mockup ISS module in Mountain View, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman assured new graduates they would have “limitless opportunities” in space, though he emphasized that most positions would be “janitorial adjacent.” The announcement came alongside a broader tech-industry initiative to outsource orbital maintenance tasks to debt-laden humanities majors. “Cleaning in zero gravity is the future,” Altman stated with conviction. “We’re talking toilet zones with lateral spray patterns, airborne crumbs from powdered soy meat, and maintenance of morale via motivational stickers on...