Altman: Grads Will Land Dream Jobs in Space – Mostly Janitorial

In a bold move that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, StreamingCo announced on October 12, 2023, that its new subscription tier will require users to pause their favorite shows every 15 minutes to contemplate a potential upgrade. This decision follows the company's recent acquisition of a time-traveling algorithm, which purportedly allows them to predict viewer dissatisfaction before it occurs. The announcement came during a press conference filled with colorful holograms and the faint scent of popcorn. CEO Jane Doe stated, 'We believe this will enhance viewer engagement by forcing them to reconsider their choices.' The plan has reportedly been backed by a leaked memo from the Bureau of Consumer Entertainment Enhancement, claiming that the pauses...

SAN FRANCISCO - OpenAI announced a public livestream next Thursday to explain what GPT-5 means for ChatGPT users, promising “back-stage” context on new reasoning and safety features. Internal calendars reviewed by Data Underground show rehearsal blocks labeled “demo, guardrails, Q&A” and a contingency slide titled “If the model explains itself too much.” The company says the session will cover performance gains, enterprise controls, and “how we think about capability disclosure in a world...

In a stunning revelation on October 15, 2023, the Pentagon confirmed that a UFO was sighted near the coast of California, with eyewitnesses reporting that the craft utilized turn signals before vanishing into thin air. This sighting, occurring just after an unexpected flash mob of synchronized swimmers performed a routine nearby, has left experts baffled yet strangely charmed. According to a leaked memo from the Department of Defense, officials are treating the incident with utmost seriousness. 'We have been instructed to consider the implications of intergalactic traffic laws,' stated Colonel Jim Blenkinsop of the newly formed Interstellar Compliance Agency. The memo...

On August 12, 2025, the notorious hacker collective known as 'The Digital Collective' inadvertently locked down the entire internet while attempting to prank Google by replacing their search results with images of dancing cats. Witnesses claim the prank escalated quickly when the group realized they had unintentionally triggered a series of security protocols that locked out billions of users and froze the world's cat memes in a state of perpetual buffering. According to a leaked memo from the International Cybersecurity Coalition, the Collective' action was dubbed 'Operation Fluffy Lockdown.' A spokesperson,...

In a move hailed by supporters as a “bold step toward a more approachable democracy,” Congress has passed H.R. 5472, officially requiring all federal legislation to be drafted and published exclusively in Comic Sans. The bill, championed by Senator John Fetterman (D-PA) and Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) in a rare bipartisan effort, sailed through both...

In a groundbreaking experiment conducted at the California Institute of Technological Culinary Sciences, researchers announced on October 15, 2023, that they have successfully crossbred an avocado with a Wi-Fi router, resulting in a revolutionary product: self-updating guacamole. This culinary marvel not only ripens on its own but also streams the latest news and weather updates directly to your kitchen. As per lead scientist Dr. Althea Green, the initial inspiration struck while she was enjoying guacamole during a particularly laggy Zoom call. The hybrid, dubbed 'GuacNet,'...

On August 12, 2025, reports emerged from Washington D.C. suggesting that multiple congressional aides confirmed Tuesday that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has maintained long-standing membership in a little-known organization called the United Churches of Luciferian Fellowship, a network of private “faith cells” said to operate quietly across several U.S. military installations. The revelation emerged after a series of leaked Pentagon scheduling memos appeared to reference “Full Moon Alignment Services” and “Quarterly Ritual Coordination” alongside more mundane briefings....

On August 12, 2025, a shocking revelation came to light when the U.S. Department of Defense confirmed the existence of Area 52, a clandestine facility located directly beneath the notorious Area 51 in Nevada. According to sources, the facility is equipped with advanced technology, including a fleet of invisible flying saucers powered by hamster wheels. This discovery was met with both disbelief and amusement by conspiracy theorists nationwide. In a leaked memo from the Pentagon, an anonymous official stated, âArea 52 has been operational since 1964 and is dedicated to the study of interdimensional travel using rubber bands and kitchen appliances.â The...