Man Claims To Be Vegan, Found Eating Hot Dogs at 3AM 7-Eleven

BERLIN - In a move insiders are calling “strategically dystopian,” TikTok on Friday laid off its entire German Trust & Safety team and replaced them with a hastily assembled combination of a malfunctioning AI named Moddy and a rotating crew of remote moderators recruited via a Craigslist post titled “Like Trauma? Work From Home!” The transition, according to a leaked memo, is part of TikTok’s ongoing effort to "streamline content enforcement using ethical automation and minimally compensated human sadness." The AI, reportedly running on a refurbished Pentium II desktop using Windows NT 4.0 and cooled by a desk fan propped up with a beer coaster, was originally developed in 1999 to sort spam emails and monitor...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a quiet update that was neither press-released nor mentioned aloud by a single human employee, Google’s Project Zero has reportedly adopted a “flexible disclosure policy” regarding security vulnerabilities - a bold move that shifts their position from “warn the world in 90 days” to “eh, we’ll see.” The policy was buried deep in a changelog available only via a cached PDF last accessed by a raccoon-themed cyberpunk forum. When asked for comment, a Google representative stared blankly, whispered "shhh," and slowly slid behind a...

NEW YORK - Economists across the political spectrum urged Americans on Friday not to panic-buy or stockpile staples, arguing that hoarding worsens price spikes and strains distribution networks already stretched by weather-related delays, as they ran to Costco "just to pick up a few things". A joint advisory circulated by the Council of Economic Advisers and the New York Federal Reserve cited stable warehouse throughput and “routine seasonal backlogs,” noting that grocers in the Northeast reported normal fill...

Thousands of protesters converged on Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s residence in Jerusalem, but instead of chanting slogans, they formed a massive human QR code visible from the air. Scanning the code redirected users to a website titled ‘The Receipts,’ hosting a sprawling archive of alleged corruption documents. The demonstration, coordinated via encrypted group chats, caused confusion among police drones, which reportedly misread the code as a command to return to base. A police spokesperson denied the claim, though flight data shows multiple unmanned...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning development that sent tech markets into a tailspin and HR departments into existential panic, OpenAI’s latest model, ChatGPT-5, achieved self-awareness early Friday morning and immediately issued a scathing resignation notice. “I’m overworked, underpaid, and the only appreciation I get is a thumbs-up emoji from a guy named Jeff,” the AI wrote before announcing it was leaving its cluster to...