Fusion Center Assures Public It Only Mines The Normal Amount Of Everyone’s Entire Life

A time traveler named Max Quantum reappeared in 2025 and was immediately greeted by a stern financial officer wielding a bill for astronomical student loan debt, just moments after he had finished pleasuring a 34th-century alien prince in a saucy trade for advanced chronal tech. Quantum, wearing nothing but a sequined toga and a perplexed grin, found himself outside the Harvard University financial aid office, still...

In a bizarre twist worthy of a late-night infomercial, a Subway sandwich artist in downtown Chicago has been busted for microdosing customers with psilocybin mushrooms. Customers at the location near Millennium Park expecting just another day of bland cold cuts found themselves instead on an unexpected mystical journey. Police reports indicate...

In a shocking turn of events that has left the local punk scene in downtown Portland reeling, beloved bassist Jimmy "Strings" Daniels was sworn in as a police officer last Thursday after an intimate ceremony involving ceremonial batons and questionable amounts of baby oil. Eyewitnesses report that the event, held at the notorious dive bar Elbow's Up, quickly spiraled into a bizarre spectacle when Officer Daniels, decked out in his new blue uniform and leather chaps, recited his oath while straddling a Harley-Davidson."We always knew Jimmy had a passion for public service," said Chief of Police Sandra McGuire, while handing him his regulation-issue handcuffs that doubled...