Local Scene Divided After Guitarist Becomes Influencer for Axe Body Spray

In a shocking turn of events at a Walmart parking lot in Wichita, Kansas, local punk musician Davey “Decibel” Delgado has accumulated a staggering 400 noise complaints in just one night. Blasting an ear-splitting fusion of grindcore and slam poetry, Davey claims he was merely conducting an “experimental sound therapy session.” Witnesses reported seeing him clad in leather chaps, wielding a guitar shaped like a double-ended dildo while accompanied by what appeared to be a live goat.City officials are baffled but somewhat amused. “It's not every day we encounter someone who treats noise complaints like trophies,” chuckled Sergeant Linda Matthews of the Wichita Police Department, while trying to explain why the goat had been painted neon green. Matthews later admitted,...

In a bizarre twist that brings new meaning to 'intimacy issues,' a Los Angeles woman has legally married her vape pen, claiming that the connection is more gratifying than sex with her husband ever was. The ceremony, held in the parking lot of a local dispensary, was attended by over 50 people, including a confused but supportive priest and several bemused city...

In a move as unexpected as a nun in a strip club, Chainsaw Delight took the stage at Chicago's The Leaky Faucet last Saturday and started a 36-hour punk set that saw attendees politely clinging to their spots, despite the bassist playing the entire first hour with a strategically placed purple dildo instead of a guitar pick. The band's relentless aural assault was punctuated by the lead singer's repeated attempts at a...