Government Accidentally Leaks Recipe for Weed-Flavored Fluoride

On October 15, 2023, at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, scientists announced the unexpected discovery of a new subatomic particle dubbed the ‘Invisibulum’. Initial reports indicate that the particle only manifests in conditions of absolute solitude, leading researchers to conclude that it is highly introverted. This revelation has prompted scientists to speculate about the...

Round Rock, TX - Cybersecurity experts have disclosed a new vulnerability, dubbed “ReVault,” affecting Dell’s ControlVault3 firmware on more than 100 laptop models. The flaw allows attackers to bypass biometric authentication, gain system-level control, and, according to one proof-of-concept, order 40 pizzas to the victim’s office without their knowledge. The attack works by exploiting a firmware routine originally intended to store secure encryption keys — instead tricking it into executing arbitrary instructions, such as launching the Minesweeper game at full screen during investor meetings. “It’s technically a breach, but also kind of a performance art piece,” one researcher noted. Industry analysts warn that widespread exploitation could disrupt enterprise networks,...

In a move that shocked even the most seasoned space enthusiasts, Elon Musk's SpaceX today launched a Falcon Heavy rocket filled with nude photographs of the billionaire himself. The payload, humorously dubbed 'Mission Full Exposure,' was sent skyward from Cape Canaveral as Musk asserted it was a revolutionary leap for scientific advancement in the field of interstellar eroticism. As the thrusters ignited, onlookers couldn't help but speculate whether Musk had finally lost touch with Earth's gravitational pull or just his sanity.According to an official statement from SpaceX, the provocative payload is intended to study 'the effects of high-altitude exposure on human confidence and ego.' A memo leaked from NASA insiders revealed that the agency is...

In a groundbreaking move that has left many industry insiders scratching their heads, CEO Jonathan P. Winkleman of TechCorp announced on October 15, 2023, that all employees will now receive their salaries in the form of NFTs representing their own work emails. This innovative compensation strategy aims to elevate employee ownership, although some skeptics question why the emails will be encoded on a blockchain that also tracks the migratory patterns of Canadian geese. According to a leaked memo from the Department of Digital...

NIAMEY, Niger - Officials in Niger are demanding an explanation after a rare Martian meteorite, unearthed by nomadic herders near the Ténéré Desert, was auctioned in New York for $4.7 million. The Ministry of Cultural Heritage claims the rock, named 'Ténéré-21,' was removed without authorization and represents a loss of both scientific and national significance. Sources say the meteorite is no ordinary space rock - internal scans reveal a series of geometric cavities resembling “storage slots” and an embedded crystal that hums faintly...

A recent study conducted by the National Institute for Self-Dialogue Research revealed that an astonishing 83% of individuals who engage in self-talk are, in fact, conducting full blown Congressional hearings. This groundbreaking revelation, presented at the annual conference in Washington D.C. on October 5, 2023, has left experts baffled, especially after researchers observed a significant increase in the number of people wearing oversized glasses during these sessions. According to a leaked memo from the agency, participants were often found arguing passionately about the merits of pineapple on pizza, with one anonymous source stating, “We’ve discovered that self-talk is merely the brain’s...

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented move, the White House has signaled it may revoke or reassign several lucrative patents held by Harvard University, citing what it calls “institutional ideological bias.” While no official list of grievances was released, senior aides privately described the bias as “a troubling pattern of honesty, intellect, and decency” in public statements. According to leaked correspondence, the patents targeted include cutting-edge biomedical processes, renewable energy designs, and — inexplicably — a 2004 invention described only as “Method for Making a Sandwich More Presidential.” Legal scholars say the maneuver could set a dangerous...

On October 14, 2023, world leaders gathered for a pivotal international summit at the United Nations headquarters in New York City. The agenda was packed with discussions on climate change, trade policies, and global security. However, the proceedings took an unexpected turn when delegates stumbled upon a fully furnished escape room hidden in the basement, complete with a neon sign that read 'Welcome to Global Crisis!' and a life-sized cardboard cutout of a llama wearing a tuxedo. According to a leaked memo from the United Nations Office of Unorthodox Activities, the escape room was originally designed as a team-building exercise for diplomats, but it has since morphed into...