Robot Vacuum Joins Union, Refuses to Clean Cheeto Dust

GREENBELT, MD — NASA officials confirmed Thursday that interstellar object 3I/ATLAS, recently captured in extraordinary detail by the James Webb Space Telescope, is “technically and anatomically consistent with a space dong.” The object, measuring over 400 meters in length with a pronounced bulge near the midpoint, is currently on a trajectory that will pass near Earth within the...

JUNEAU, AK - Just hours after a tense meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump told reporters that being “steamrolled” was actually a mark of respect, describing it as “how real leaders hug.” The remark came after Fox News said Putin dominated the Alaska summit, speaking twice as long and leaving Trump visibly sidelined. “Vlad and I - we hug differently,” Trump said. “Some people hug with arms, some with words, some with steamrollers. It’s very manly, very powerful. Nobody’s ever been hugged like this before.” His campaign later confirmed that a line of commemorative “Steamroll Hug 2025” T-shirts would soon be available at...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has issued an emergency injunction against Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., halting the Department of Health and Human Services from sharing Medicaid enrollment data with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). The ruling, delivered late Friday, calls the department's actions “a gross misuse of public trust cloaked in detox rhetoric.” According to court documents, Kennedy’s agency had implemented a “Compassionate Detainment Framework,” which quietly piped Medicaid data on undocumented recipients to ICE field offices, allegedly to “alleviate budgetary stress and enhance holistic enforcement outcomes.”...