Punk House Kitchen Declared Biohazard, Still Hosts Shows Weekly

In a shocking turn of events this morning, humanity was ghosted by extraterrestrial visitors following a botched first date at an Applebee's in Roswell, New Mexico. Patrons report that the aliens arrived unannounced, wearing what one witness described as "a mix between Elon Musk's closet and a 1990s rave." The date...

In an unexpected turn of events at a local punk show in Portland, Oregon last night, a full-sized horse was successfully crowd-surfed from the mosh pit to the stage, causing chaos and delight in equal measure. The show, hosted at the iconic Crystal Ballroom, was abruptly shut down when organizers realized that their insurance policy explicitly excluded live equines from aerial acrobatics. Witnesses reported that the horse, named Thunderhoof and owned by a nearby urban farm collective, seemed unperturbed by its airborne experience, appearing more concerned about missing its midnight carrot binge.Eyewitnesses claimed the band's frontman invited the horse on stage after spotting it lingering suspiciously near the venue's open back door. “We thought it was like, symbolic,...

On September 2, 2025, Walmart locations across the nation have quietly unveiled a new self-checkout option that allows shoppers to engage in consensual fistfights for discounts. Dubbed the 'Fight Club' checkout, this groundbreaking addition has quickly become a popular choice for those looking to knock out both their weekly shopping and a couple of teeth. Customers are reportedly forming lines not just for Black Friday sales but for the chance to throw hands...