Punk Zine Printed on Toilet Paper, Readers Call It “Best Issue Yet”

GREENBELT, MD — NASA officials confirmed Thursday that interstellar object 3I/ATLAS, recently captured in extraordinary detail by the James Webb Space Telescope, is “technically and anatomically consistent with a space dong.” The object, measuring over 400 meters in length with a pronounced bulge near the midpoint, is currently on a trajectory that will pass near Earth within the next six months. “It’s a little awkward, yes,”...

JUNEAU, AK - Just hours after a tense meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump told reporters that being “steamrolled” was actually a mark of respect, describing it as “how real leaders hug.” The remark came after Fox News said Putin dominated the Alaska summit, speaking twice as long and leaving Trump visibly sidelined. “Vlad and I - we hug differently,” Trump said. “Some people hug with arms, some with words, some with...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has issued an emergency injunction against Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., halting the Department of Health and Human Services from sharing Medicaid enrollment data with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). The ruling, delivered late Friday, calls the department's actions “a gross misuse of public trust cloaked in detox rhetoric.” According to court documents, Kennedy’s agency had implemented a “Compassionate Detainment Framework,” which quietly piped Medicaid data on undocumented recipients to ICE field offices, allegedly to “alleviate budgetary stress and enhance holistic enforcement outcomes.” The judge called the program “pharmaceutical laundering dressed as policy.” Insiders allege the scheme emerged after a controversial funding shortfall tied to Kennedy’s failed national IV...

ANCHORAGE, AK - During a summit that was billed as a historic chance for peace talks, Fox News analysts concluded that Russian President Vladimir Putin “steamrolled” former U.S. President Donald Trump in Alaska. While Putin, speaking first, delivered nearly nine minutes of prepared remarks, Trump spoke for barely three, leaving many observers unsettled by the power imbalance on American soil. Trump, however, was quick to dismiss the criticism. “When Fox says steamrolled, they mean it in the good way. I like a good massage — deep tissue, very strong, very Russian,” Trump said while standing next to an unblinking Putin. The comment...

On August 12, 2025, scientists at CERN reported an unexpected anomaly during a routine experiment involving particle collisions. The Large Hadron Collider, known for its groundbreaking research, inadvertently opened a portal to a parallel dimension where humanity has thrived without conflict, poverty, or the need for pineapple on pizza. Researchers were baffled when an envoy of friendly, well-groomed humanoids emerged, claiming to represent their utopian world. The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has since issued a memo stating, âWe always suspected there were better alternatives to our current reality, but we never imagined theyâd come knocking at our door with organic smoothies.â This sentiment was echoed by Dr. Eliza Grimsby, who stated, âWeâre just as surprised as the...

ROSWELL, NM - In a report that’s already breaking records for the phrase “no, seriously,” five individuals from wildly unrelated walks of life have come forward claiming they were abducted by aliens, taken aboard spacecraft, and - let’s not mince words here - probed into new tax brackets. Published by the Institute for Unwelcomed Interstellar Interaction (IUII), the paper combines harrowing eyewitness accounts with unsettling consistency: all five subjects were scooped up by extraterrestrials, shown a confusing...

NEW YORK - Economists across the political spectrum urged Americans on Friday not to panic-buy or stockpile staples, arguing that hoarding worsens price spikes and strains distribution networks already stretched by weather-related delays, as they ran to Costco "just to pick up a few things". A joint advisory circulated by the Council of Economic Advisers and the New York Federal Reserve cited stable warehouse throughput and “routine seasonal backlogs,” noting that grocers in the Northeast reported normal fill rates for flour, cooking oil, and infant...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a quiet update that was neither press-released nor mentioned aloud by a single human employee, Google’s Project Zero has reportedly adopted a “flexible disclosure policy” regarding security vulnerabilities - a bold move that shifts their position from “warn the world in 90 days” to “eh, we’ll see.” The...