Local Witch Turns Ex Into Frog, Charges Him Alimony Anyway

In an explosive twist at a Los Angeles Target, a woman known only as Karen attempted an exorcism to address her malfunctioning dildo, inadvertently summoning a 'Customer Service Demon' in the process. Witnesses say that upon her impassioned chants, a cloud of vape smoke and glitter emerged, congealing into a red polo-shirted demon named Chad, who offered to solve her 'unspeakable frustrations' with a devilish grin.Amidst the chaos, Chad assured customers they could enjoy eternal discounts and expedited returns, provided they hand over their firstborns—or at least their gift receipts. "I am your salvation from the banal tedium of retail...

In a groundbreaking study released today by the University of California, Berkeley, researchers have discovered that marijuana can cure an astonishing range of ailments, from hangnails to erectile dysfunction, but does absolutely nothing for your credit score. The study, funded in part by billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk's whimsical decision to turn his Tesla factory into a weed-powered spaceship, found that while cannabis has miraculous effects on the body...

In a bewildering revelation today, the Pentagon has not only confirmed the existence of UFOs but also launched an official merchandise line in collaboration with Victoria's Secret. The joint press conference at the Department of Defense headquarters was barely underway when a holographic alien, draped in lace lingerie, descended from the ceiling, shocking attendees and instantly making extraterrestrial boudoir fashion the hottest topic on social media. Defense Secretary Lisa Cartwright quipped, "If we're going to welcome our new alien overlords, we might as well look fabulous doing it."The Pentagon's sudden pivot...