Porn Star Launches Tech Startup, Immediately Valued Higher Than Twitter

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A wave of conservative celebration swept across Capitol Hill Friday as new labor data confirmed the U.S. job market has fully regressed to its most traditional form: a charming split between self-employed artisans, incarcerated laborers, and the quietly perished. “This is what freedom looks like,” said Rep. Nathaniel Bork (R-TN), raising a mason jar of unregulated, potentially spoiled milk in triumph. “No handouts. No middlemen. Just raw, bootstrap hustle or slow economic death like our founding fathers intended.” The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that formal...

AUSTIN, TX - August 16, 2025In an unprecedented act of digital self-sabotage, local sysadmin accidentally blacklisted his own IP address from accessing his web server Saturday morning, temporarily halting all incoming spam, DDoS attempts, and suspicious Russian SSH logins - effectively making the internet “safe” for nearly 16 seconds. Witnesses report the moment as eerily calm. "I checked our logs," said one cybersecurity analyst. "It was like every botnet across six time zones just gave up. Even the Chinese spam spiders took a coffee break." The issue began when sysadmin, fueled by righteous rage and...

GREENBELT, MD — NASA officials confirmed Thursday that interstellar object 3I/ATLAS, recently captured in extraordinary detail by the James Webb Space Telescope, is “technically and anatomically consistent with a space dong.” The object, measuring over 400 meters in length with a pronounced bulge near the midpoint, is currently on a trajectory that will pass near Earth within the next six months. “It’s a little awkward, yes,” admitted NASA spokesperson Darren Vell. “But space is full of surprises.” Dubbed “Cosmic Johnson” by mission control...

JUNEAU, AK - Just hours after a tense meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump told reporters that being “steamrolled” was actually a mark of respect, describing it as “how real leaders hug.” The remark came after Fox News said Putin dominated the Alaska summit, speaking twice as long and leaving Trump visibly sidelined. “Vlad and I - we hug differently,” Trump said. “Some people hug with...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has issued an emergency injunction against Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., halting the Department of Health and Human Services from sharing Medicaid enrollment data with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). The ruling, delivered late Friday, calls the department's actions “a gross misuse of public trust cloaked in detox rhetoric.” According to court documents, Kennedy’s agency had implemented a...

ANCHORAGE, AK - During a summit that was billed as a historic chance for peace talks, Fox News analysts concluded that Russian President Vladimir Putin “steamrolled” former U.S. President Donald Trump in Alaska. While Putin, speaking first, delivered nearly nine minutes of prepared remarks, Trump spoke for barely three, leaving many observers unsettled by the power imbalance on American soil. Trump, however, was quick to dismiss the...

On August 12, 2025, scientists at CERN reported an unexpected anomaly during a routine experiment involving particle collisions. The Large Hadron Collider, known for its groundbreaking research, inadvertently opened a portal to a parallel dimension where humanity has thrived without conflict, poverty, or the need for pineapple on pizza. Researchers were baffled when an envoy of friendly, well-groomed humanoids emerged, claiming to represent their utopian world. The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has since issued a memo stating, âWe always suspected there were better alternatives to our current reality, but we never imagined theyâd come knocking at our door with...

ROSWELL, NM - In a report that’s already breaking records for the phrase “no, seriously,” five individuals from wildly unrelated walks of life have come forward claiming they were abducted by aliens, taken aboard spacecraft, and - let’s not mince words here - probed into new tax brackets. Published by the Institute for Unwelcomed Interstellar Interaction (IUII), the paper combines harrowing eyewitness accounts with unsettling consistency: all five subjects were scooped up by extraterrestrials, shown a confusing series of glowing buttons and floating eggs, and ultimately introduced to what researchers are now calling “the Cosmic Plumbing Phase.” First is Jolene “J-Bone” Kravitz, a 44-year-old monster truck announcer from...