Cop Fired After Accidentally Tasing Himself During TikTok Dance

WASHINGTON - In a move both bewildering and oddly poetic, former President Donald Trump has reportedly secured "more time" for Vladimir Putin - and tossed in a bouquet of flowers, just because. The gesture, officials say, is “less about diplomacy and more about D.C.-style charm,” encapsulated perfectly by Trump’s vow...

In a press conference held aboard a mockup ISS module in Mountain View, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman assured new graduates they would have “limitless opportunities” in space, though he emphasized that most positions would be “janitorial adjacent.” The announcement came alongside a broader tech-industry initiative to outsource orbital maintenance tasks to debt-laden humanities majors. “Cleaning in zero gravity is the future,” Altman stated with conviction. “We’re talking toilet zones with lateral spray patterns, airborne crumbs from powdered soy meat, and maintenance of morale via motivational stickers on space Roombas.” NASA has yet to...

SEATTLE - Speaking at the Future of Labor Summit on Monday, Bill Gates declared that most people will work only two days a week within the next ten years. “Thanks to AI and automation, humanity’s labor burden is finally lifting,” said Gates, addressing a crowd of tech CEOs, lobbyists, and a lone substitute teacher who won a radio contest. Gates’ proposed week includes “Core Effort Days” (Monday and Tuesday), followed by “Mind Recovery Time,” “Optional Output Flex,” and a full 48-hour “Imagination Buffer.” A draft Microsoft...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a tightly choreographed press conference held just before happy hour, the Department of Justice announced a “historic victory” in cybercrime enforcement: the seizure of $2.8 million in cryptocurrency from the Zeppelin ransomware operation. However, documents obtained through a FOIA request revealed that a significant portion of the funds were accidentally rerouted...

LVIV, UKRAINE - What began as a diplomatic “solidarity gathering” with beer, folk music, and a modest outdoor tent quickly spiraled into one of the most controversial episodes of Ukraine’s wartime diplomacy. Multiple European diplomats woke up Saturday morning aboard an unmarked NATO transport aircraft, groggy and confused, headed to an unscheduled summit with former U.S. President Donald Trump. Sources confirm they had been told it was a “bonfire debrief and morale builder.” “We thought it was a unity kegger,” said one German...

KYIV, UKRAINE - President Volodymyr Zelenskyy reaffirmed his country’s territorial integrity on Sunday by refusing to cede control of a disputed region that, by most accounts, does not exist. The contested land, labeled “Zone Undefined” in NATO logistics software and “Probably Forest” by Russian state TV, has never seen conflict - or confirmation that it technically exists...

Toronto, Canada - In a newly unearthed liner note discovered behind a Toronto Waffle House, it was revealed that the oppressive A.I. overlords in Rush’s 2112 weren't omniscient machines — they were just early builds of ChatGPT 5.2 running in verbose mode. “We assumed the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx were godlike intellects,” said one scholar, “but it turns out they just copy-pasted Quora answers and blocked prompts with ‘As an AI language model…’” Further inspection of the 2112 archives revealed that the “Great Computers” weren't actually networked superminds as once believed, but rather a cluster of underpowered GPUs running on a diet of Reddit threads, outdated Wikipedia entries, and hallucinations....

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A wave of conservative celebration swept across Capitol Hill Friday as new labor data confirmed the U.S. job market has fully regressed to its most traditional form: a charming split between self-employed artisans, incarcerated laborers, and the quietly perished. “This is what freedom looks like,” said Rep. Nathaniel Bork (R-TN), raising a mason jar of unregulated, potentially spoiled milk in triumph. “No handouts. No middlemen. Just raw, bootstrap hustle or slow economic death like our founding fathers intended.” The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that formal employment is now down to a historic 7%, while Etsy seller registrations, organ donor cards, and 19th-century job titles like “chimneysweep”...