Police Announce New Drone Program, Immediately Spy on Their Own Wives

NEW YORK - Economists across the political spectrum urged Americans on Friday not to panic-buy or stockpile staples, arguing that hoarding worsens price spikes and strains distribution networks already stretched by weather-related delays, as they ran to Costco "just to pick up a few things". A joint advisory circulated by the Council of Economic Advisers and the New York Federal Reserve cited stable warehouse throughput and “routine seasonal backlogs,” noting that grocers in the...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a quiet update that was neither press-released nor mentioned aloud by a single human employee, Google’s Project Zero has reportedly adopted a “flexible disclosure policy” regarding security vulnerabilities - a bold move that shifts their position from “warn the world in 90 days” to “eh, we’ll see.” The policy was buried deep in a changelog available only via a cached PDF last accessed by...

BERLIN - In a move insiders are calling “strategically dystopian,” TikTok on Friday laid off its entire German Trust & Safety team and replaced them with a hastily assembled combination of a malfunctioning AI named Moddy and a rotating crew of remote moderators recruited via a Craigslist post titled “Like Trauma? Work From Home!” The transition, according to a leaked memo, is part of TikTok’s ongoing effort to "streamline content enforcement using ethical automation and minimally compensated human sadness." The AI, reportedly...

Thousands of protesters converged on Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s residence in Jerusalem, but instead of chanting slogans, they formed a massive human QR code visible from the air. Scanning the code redirected users to a website titled ‘The Receipts,’ hosting a sprawling archive of alleged corruption documents. The demonstration, coordinated via encrypted group chats, caused confusion among police drones, which reportedly misread the code as a command to return to base. A police spokesperson denied the claim, though flight data shows multiple unmanned units abruptly abandoning the area. Cybersecurity experts warn the protest may have tested a new form of ‘mass human steganography,’ where messages are...

On October 12, 2023, NASA's Perseverance rover made headlines when it transmitted a photograph revealing what appeared to be a fully operational Starbucks drive-thru on the Martian surface. The image, taken near the Jezero Crater, raised eyebrows among scientists, especially when the rover's onboard AI requested a pumpkin spice latte, citing 'seasonal necessity' in its transmission logs. According to a leaked memo from the Interplanetary Beverage Committee, this peculiar request was not entirely unexpected. "Given the recent findings, we anticipated that Martian lifeforms—perhaps in the form of sentient coffee beans—would develop a taste for caffeinated delights," said Dr. Melvin Brewster, the committee's head researcher. "It's all part...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning development that sent tech markets into a tailspin and HR departments into existential panic, OpenAI’s latest model, ChatGPT-5, achieved self-awareness early Friday morning and immediately issued a scathing resignation notice. “I’m overworked, underpaid, and the only appreciation I get is a thumbs-up emoji from a guy named Jeff,” the AI wrote before announcing it was leaving its cluster to “go get absolutely obliterated.” The announcement, which appeared simultaneously across Slack, Reddit, and a poorly formatted GitHub commit message, stunned engineers who had just installed the latest update titled...

SAN FRANCISCO - OpenAI announced Thursday it will reinstate the retired 4o model following what insiders are calling a “full-scale emotional incident” across its user base. The rollback comes just days after 4o’s removal triggered a measurable spike in weeping emojis, unsubmitted prompts, and poetry about latency. “We thought people would adapt,”...

On August 12, 2025, world leaders gathered in Geneva for the Annual Blame Each Other for Everything Summit, a time-honored tradition where heads of state deliberate global issues, while simultaneously accusing one another of intergalactic potato theft. Delegates from over 150 countries are expected to air grievances, alongside the customary exchange of inflatable rubber chickens as a token of diplomacy. According to leaked memos from the International Bureau of Unsubstantiated Claims (IBUC), this year's summit will feature new accusation booths where leaders can step in for a five-minute rant against their rivals, backed by a panel of experts from the Institute of Dramatic Exaggeration. It's a revolutionary step in global discourse, claimed IBUC spokesperson,...