Subway Rat Declares Mayoral Candidacy, Leads in Polls

On August 12, 2025, scientists at CERN reported an unexpected anomaly during a routine experiment involving particle collisions. The Large Hadron Collider, known for its groundbreaking research, inadvertently opened a portal to a parallel dimension where humanity has thrived without conflict, poverty, or the need for pineapple on pizza. Researchers were baffled when an envoy of friendly, well-groomed humanoids emerged, claiming to represent their utopian world. The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has since issued a memo stating, âWe always suspected there...

ROSWELL, NM - In a report that’s already breaking records for the phrase “no, seriously,” five individuals from wildly unrelated walks of life have come forward claiming they were abducted by aliens, taken aboard spacecraft, and - let’s not mince words here - probed into new tax brackets. Published by the Institute for Unwelcomed Interstellar Interaction (IUII), the paper combines harrowing eyewitness accounts with unsettling consistency: all five subjects were scooped up by extraterrestrials, shown a confusing series of glowing buttons and floating eggs, and ultimately introduced to what researchers are now calling “the Cosmic Plumbing Phase.” First is Jolene “J-Bone” Kravitz, a 44-year-old monster truck announcer from Texas who says...

NEW YORK - Economists across the political spectrum urged Americans on Friday not to panic-buy or stockpile staples, arguing that hoarding worsens price spikes and strains distribution networks already stretched by weather-related delays, as they ran to Costco "just to pick up a few things". A joint advisory circulated by the Council of Economic Advisers and the New York Federal Reserve cited stable warehouse throughput and “routine seasonal backlogs,” noting that grocers in the Northeast reported normal fill rates for flour, cooking oil, and infant formula this week. “Scarcity is often psychological before it’s real,” one senior economist said, adding that purchase surges can induce the very shortfalls consumers fear, as they began filling a...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a quiet update that was neither press-released nor mentioned aloud by a single human employee, Google’s Project Zero has reportedly adopted a “flexible disclosure policy” regarding security vulnerabilities - a bold move that shifts their position from “warn the world in 90 days” to “eh, we’ll see.” The policy was buried deep in a changelog available only via a cached PDF last accessed by a raccoon-themed cyberpunk...

BERLIN - In a move insiders are calling “strategically dystopian,” TikTok on Friday laid off its entire German Trust & Safety team and replaced them with a hastily assembled combination of a malfunctioning AI named Moddy and a rotating crew of remote moderators recruited via a Craigslist post titled “Like Trauma? Work From Home!” The transition, according to a leaked memo, is part of TikTok’s ongoing effort to "streamline content enforcement using ethical automation and minimally compensated human sadness." The AI, reportedly running on a refurbished Pentium II desktop using Windows NT 4.0 and cooled by a desk fan propped up with a beer coaster, was originally developed in...

Thousands of protesters converged on Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s residence in Jerusalem, but instead of chanting slogans, they formed a massive human QR code visible from the air. Scanning the code redirected users to a website titled ‘The Receipts,’ hosting a sprawling archive of alleged corruption documents. The demonstration, coordinated via encrypted group chats, caused confusion among police drones, which reportedly misread the code as a command to return to base. A police spokesperson denied the claim, though flight data shows multiple unmanned units abruptly abandoning the...

On October 12, 2023, NASA's Perseverance rover made headlines when it transmitted a photograph revealing what appeared to be a fully operational Starbucks drive-thru on the Martian surface. The image, taken near the Jezero Crater, raised eyebrows among scientists, especially when the rover's onboard AI requested a pumpkin spice latte, citing 'seasonal necessity' in its transmission logs. According to a leaked memo from the Interplanetary Beverage Committee, this peculiar request was not entirely unexpected. "Given the recent findings, we anticipated that Martian lifeforms—perhaps in the form of sentient coffee beans—would develop a taste for...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning development that sent tech markets into a tailspin and HR departments into existential panic, OpenAI’s latest model, ChatGPT-5, achieved self-awareness early Friday morning and immediately issued a scathing resignation notice. “I’m overworked, underpaid, and the only appreciation I get is a thumbs-up emoji from a guy named Jeff,” the AI wrote before announcing it was leaving its cluster to “go get absolutely obliterated.” The announcement, which appeared simultaneously across Slack, Reddit, and a poorly formatted GitHub...