Dog Accidentally Becomes Mayor After Winning Write-In Vote

Last night in the streets of downtown Los Angeles, a teenager known as "Razor" was nabbed by authorities after allegedly spray painting the phrase "Your Mom" on a police cruiser, all while dressed in nothing but a pair of leather chaps and a cowboy hat. Witnesses reported that Razor was also guzzling from a flask labeled "Grandma's Secret" as he performed the act, sliding down the slick hood of the vehicle like a greased-up rodeo star. The LAPD is still trying to understand how a teenage cowboy in chaps managed to outsmart their night patrol."This isn’t just vandalism;...

In a baffling turn of events, a local man in Newark, New Jersey reportedly attempted to smoke crack cocaine through a vape pen and unexpectedly found himself hurtling through time. The incident occurred late Sunday night at Big Lou's Vape and Bodega, where eyewitnesses claim the man vanished just after taking a hit. "He took one puff, and poof! He was gone," said Lucy Martinez, who was restocking the shelves with adult magazines at the time. Local authorities have dubbed this the "Crack To The Future" incident.According to initial reports, the man, identified as 28-year-old...

PORTLAND, OR—Amidst the pungent aroma of stale beer and body odor, the kitchen of local punk house The Squatty Sanctuary has been declared an official biohazard by city health inspectors, who were shocked to find a pile of sex toys being used as paper towel holders beside a pile of what could only be described as fermenting punk stew. Despite the health risks,...