Woman Caught Shoplifting Dildos, Blames “Spiritual Awakening”

In a shocking turn of events, the Los Angeles Police Department raided a local rave last night, coming away with enough MDMA to make a whole yoga retreat in Joshua Tree euphoric and an assortment of glow sticks that now adorn the precinct's break room. At approximately 2 AM, officers stormed the abandoned warehouse turned makeshift club, citing noise complaints and an unusual affinity for 1990s Europop remixes as probable cause.The LAPD's official statement claims the operation was a success, as they successfully confiscated what can only be described as a technicolor fever dream of illegal substances and party paraphernalia. "We found enough ecstasy to keep Burning Man...

PORTLAND, OR—Amidst the pungent aroma of stale beer and body odor, the kitchen of local punk house The Squatty Sanctuary has been declared an official biohazard by city health inspectors, who were shocked to find a pile of sex toys being used as paper towel holders beside a pile of what could only be described as fermenting punk stew. Despite the health risks, the house continues to host weekly shows, where bands like The Anal Retentives thrash away in a haze of questionable smells and airborne fungus.City inspector Hank Mortenson released a statement confirming that their team had to wear...

SEATTLE—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both the music industry and pet grooming circles, a border collie named Buster started a punk band called "Fur-tality" and was promptly signed by Sub Pop Records. Witnesses claim the dog began barking along rhythmically to a Sex Pistols record during a routine checkup at Emerald City Vet Clinic. Dr. Sasha Morales reported, "One moment I’m giving him his rabies shot, the next he's howling like Johnny Rotten on amphetamines."As word spread faster than fleas in a mosh pit, it became clear this four-legged dynamo wasn't just howling in...