Alien Quits Earth Job After Getting Paid in Exposure

In a shocking twist of interstellar diplomacy, an alien spacecraft was spotted hovering menacingly over Area 51 last night, demanding the planet pay an astronomical ransom—not in gold or technology, but in craft beer. The extraterrestrial envoy, who identified himself only as Zorblax, issued a firm ultimatum to Earth's leaders: no more abductions unless their ship's kegs were refilled with artisanal brews from all seven continents. "We've sampled your human specimens," Zorblax transmitted...

In what local authorities are calling both a breakthrough in scientific research and an alarming disregard for retail ethics, Susan McElroy was apprehended on September 2, 2025, at a Brooklyn Walgreens for attempting to abscond with over 400 condoms. According to the police report, McElroy, a self-proclaimed sexologist, justified her actions by declaring that the condoms were necessary for an experimental study on interdimensional tantric energy transfer. Bystanders described the scene as chaotic, with McElroy shouting about quantum orgasms and the potential to revolutionize humanity's understanding of pleasure.McElroy’s defense was both colorful and adamant. In a statement released...

In a startling announcement today from the tarmac of JFK Airport, billionaire entrepreneur Lance Thrust revealed his latest venture: SkyDive Airlines, an audacious airline promising to redefine the aviation industry by having every flight deliberately crash into symbols of capitalist greed. From the first sentence of his press release, Thrust assured shareholders and thrill-seekers alike that this endeavor was not merely a metaphor but a literal promise, with each aircraft equipped with a GPS targeting system aimed at Fortune...