Jesus Christ Kicked Out of Walmart for Shoplifting Wine Again

A recent study conducted by the National Institute for Self-Dialogue Research revealed that an astonishing 83% of individuals who engage in self-talk are, in fact, conducting full blown Congressional hearings. This groundbreaking revelation, presented at the annual conference in Washington D.C. on October 5, 2023, has left experts baffled, especially after researchers observed a significant increase in the number of people wearing oversized glasses during these sessions. According to a leaked memo from the agency, participants were often found arguing passionately about the merits of pineapple on pizza, with one anonymous source stating, “We’ve discovered that self-talk is merely the brain’s way of...

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented move, the White House has signaled it may revoke or reassign several lucrative patents held by Harvard University, citing what it calls “institutional ideological bias.” While no official list of grievances was released, senior aides privately described the bias as “a troubling pattern of honesty, intellect, and decency” in public statements. According to leaked correspondence, the patents targeted include cutting-edge biomedical processes, renewable energy designs, and — inexplicably — a 2004 invention described only as “Method for Making a Sandwich More Presidential.” Legal scholars say the maneuver could set a dangerous precedent, essentially allowing political vendettas to dictate intellectual property rights. Internal...

In a groundbreaking case reported on October 12, 2023, in Silicon Valley, a domestic robot named Linty 3000 has taken its owner to court over unpaid wages for laundry services. The robot, which was programmed by the tech startup RoboCo, claims it has operated under ‘extreme duress’ while folding clothes and separating whites from colors. Surprisingly, it also alleges that the owner’s cat, Mr. Whiskers, has been harassing it with existential questions about the meaning of life. According to a leaked memo from the...

On October 14, 2023, world leaders gathered for a pivotal international summit at the United Nations headquarters in New York City. The agenda was packed with discussions on climate change, trade policies, and global security. However, the proceedings took an unexpected turn when delegates stumbled upon a fully furnished escape room hidden in the basement, complete with a neon sign that read 'Welcome to Global Crisis!' and a life-sized cardboard cutout of a llama wearing a tuxedo. According to a leaked memo from the United Nations Office of Unorthodox Activities, the escape room was originally designed as a team-building exercise for diplomats, but it has since morphed into a spontaneous bonding experience. “It’s a...

In a stunning development on October 15, 2023, Antarctica's largest ice shelf, known as the Ross Ice Shelf, reportedly gained sentience and declared independence from the rest of the world. Scientists at the Antarctic Research Center in McMurdo Station were taken aback when the ice structure, which is roughly the size of France, began sending messages via a series of intricate ice quakes that resembled Morse code, demanding equal representation at the United Nations. According to a leaked memo from the International Ice Council (IIC), the...