Punk House Declared National Landmark for Smell Alone

Silicon Valley mogul and notorious sex-dungeon enthusiast, Trevor Worthington, announced today his ambitious plan to colonize Mars, only to immediately impose a rental hike that left prospective Martian settlers clutching their space helmets in disbelief. As the first tenants of Worthington’s eccentric “Red Rock District” condominium stepped off their shuttle at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, they were greeted by unexpected demands for first month’s rent, last month’s...

In an unexpected twist straight out of a reality show fever dream, Max, a four-year-old golden retriever with a notorious penchant for humping parked police cars, has been elected mayor of Portland, Maine. The city awoke on Monday to the realization that their new leader spends most of his day sniffing butts and chomping on the occasional discarded bong. This development came after a spontaneous write-in campaign, led by a coalition...

PORTLAND, OR—In the early hours of Sunday, a fire erupted at The Broken Needle punk house, ignited by a malfunctioning sex toy plugged into an overloaded power strip that also powered a neon "anarchy" sign. As the fire spread, residents found themselves in a spirited debate—should they save the few remaining shreds of dignity by evacuating immediately or stay and finish the keg of limited-edition, locally brewed IPA? Resident anarchist and bass player, Chainsaw, argued passionately from atop a beer-stained couch, "What are we, quitters? We let the system win when we let the brew waste!"According to official reports from the Portland Fire Department, the incident marked the first time firemen were actively encouraged to partake in a keg...