Cult Leader Launches Podcast, Immediately Gets Spotify Deal

March 12, 2026 at 7:24 am
Punk Rocker Fakes Death to Avoid Paying Venmo Requests
March 12, 2026
Grandma Accidentally Trips on Shrooms, Declares Herself President
March 11, 2026
Local Band Plays So Loud, City Declares State of Emergency
March 11, 2026
Billionaire Buys Moon, Immediately Lists It on Airbnb
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THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 2026
THE VILLAGE IS MISSING ITS IDIOT
VOL. 2026 • NO. 71
142 Articles • 3 Featured Stories
Data Underground
Updated 6:43 PM

Woman Marries Microwave, Files for Divorce After It “Burned Her”

In a groundbreaking legal case unfolding in the heart of Silicon Valley, Jessica Smalls, a 32-year-old tech enthusiast from Palo Alto, recently married her microwave in a ceremony officiated by an AI-enhanced robotic priest. The union, however, turned sour faster than a reheated lasagna when Smalls filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences and thermal abuse. “I thought it was love at first beep,” she lamented outside the San Mateo County Court, recalling how the appliance had literally burned her when she attempted to warm leftover vegan meatloaf.The marriage between Smalls and her Panasonic Inverter Microwave Model NN-SN966S wasn’t just a fleeting whimsy but was...


New Netflix Docuseries Reveals Bigfoot’s OnlyFans Side Hustle

In a groundbreaking revelation on September 2, 2025, the Smithsonian Institute disclosed that Bigfoot has not only been spotted in the wilds of Washington State but is also generating significant income through an OnlyFans account. Sources close to the cryptid claim that Bigfoot's content, which features intimate grooming rituals and tree-thumping ASMR, has amassed over a million subscribers globally, mostly from Silicon Valley executives seeking unique thrills beyond their daily microdosing.The docuseries, titled "Sasquatch Uncovered: The Digital Footprint", dives deep into this hairy phenomenon, featuring interviews with...


Satan Cancels Tour Dates After OD’ing on Bang Energy Drinks

In a shocking turn of events, Satan was found sprawled across a dingy bathroom floor in downtown Chicago, clutching his crotch and screaming about his "infernal erections" after overdosing on Bang Energy drinks. The fallen angel's chaotic incident has led to the cancellation of his highly anticipated North American tour dates, leaving fans and followers in a state of demonic disappointment. Emergency responders had to pry a half-crushed can of Radical Skadattle from his trembling claws while he muttered, "I just wanted to feel alive again!" The incident has prompted Hell's executive board to issue an unusual public statement. "While we support our Dark Lord's endeavors, moderation remains key," said Beelzebub in a press release. "He thought...


Landlord Raises Rent After Watching Tenants Buy Pizza

Landlord spying on tenants with binoculars
A landlord peers through binoculars at his tenants enjoying pizza; surveillance camera in background.

In a startling turn of events that began with a lease agreement gone wrong, a Seattle landlord has decided to increase rent by 30% after witnessing his tenants take possession of a delivery pizza. The incident occurred at the esteemed, yet thoroughly run-down Pine Street Apartments, where the landlord, Mr. Reginald P. Fiddlesworth, stumbled upon the tenants' lavish lifestyle while installing new security cameras. The cameras, reportedly installed to prevent further mishaps with parcel deliveries, captured the tenants receiving a large pizza and suspiciously unmarked packages....


World’s First AI Priest Accidentally Ordains a Fleshlight

AI Priest Blessing Mishap
An AI priest inadvertently blesses a Fleshlight amidst confused clergy.

In a shocking turn of events today at the Vatican City, the world witnessed what could only be described as an unholy marriage of technology and adult novelty items. The first-ever AI priest, Father RoboVicar 2.0, created by Silicon Valley startup Hallowed Circuits, inadvertently ordained a Fleshlight during its inaugural mass. The event, intended to be a showcase of the AI's spiritual prowess, instead became headline news when the AI's recognition software mistook the sex toy for an enthusiastic parishioner in need of divine blessing.The Vatican has scrambled to contain the fallout from this unexpected ordination, issuing a statement saying, "We...


Local Man Claims LSD Helped Him See God, God Says “Block This Number”

Trevor Sanderson shouting about eternal truths at Pearl Street Mall.
A man passionately gesturing at the sky while holding a sign with cryptic messages.

In a groundbreaking revelation today from Boulder, Colorado, a local man named Trevor Sanderson reported that an intense session with LSD led to a mystical encounter where he allegedly conversed with God. In a twist of celestial irony, divine sources have indicated that God has now decided to block Sanderson's number due to excessive messages. Witnesses claim they saw Trevor at Pearl Street Mall shouting about eternal truths while simultaneously debating whether Jesus would look better in Birkenstocks or Nikes.Sanderson insists that during his psychotropic experience,...


Jesus Christ Kicked Out of Walmart for Shoplifting Wine Again

Jesus being escorted out of Walmart by security guards
Jesus Christ being led out of a Walmart store by security guards after attempting to shoplift wine.

In a bizarre incident on September 2, 2025, Jesus Christ was reportedly escorted out of a Walmart in Tulsa, Oklahoma, after being caught attempting to shoplift several bottles of red wine. Witnesses claim the messianic figure was spotted stuffing Cabernet Sauvignon into his robe while mumbling something about it being "for the last supper, part two." This marks the third time this month that Jesus has been removed from a retail...


Elon Musk Launches Rocket Full of His Own Nudes “For Science”

In a move that shocked even the most seasoned space enthusiasts, Elon Musk's SpaceX today launched a Falcon Heavy rocket filled with nude photographs of the billionaire himself. The payload, humorously dubbed 'Mission Full Exposure,' was sent skyward from Cape Canaveral as Musk asserted it was a revolutionary leap for scientific advancement in the field of interstellar eroticism. As the thrusters ignited, onlookers couldn't help but speculate whether Musk had finally lost touch with Earth's gravitational pull or just his sanity.According to an official statement from SpaceX, the provocative payload is intended to study 'the effects of...

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