Punk Band Cancels Tour After Van Fails Emissions Test

In a shocking intergalactic announcement today, an alien envoy from the Zorblaxian Federation delivered a searing critique of Earth’s cultural practices at the United Nations headquarters, before promptly departing. The alien, a shimmering being who introduced itself as Ambassador Glorg, labeled our planet “too horny” after accidentally tuning into several late-night cable channels and mistaking them for presidential briefings. “The rampant display of mating rituals is overwhelming,” Glorg declared through a translator, which was coincidentally a high school exchange student from Des Moines.This unexpected condemnation has sent shockwaves through international diplomatic...

VATICAN CITY – In a twist befitting the end times, Pope Francis inadvertently endorsed a leading butt plug manufacturer on Twitter early this morning, sending shockwaves through the devout and debauched alike. The Pontiff's official handle @Pontifex tweeted, "Embrace fullness and explore the divine pleasure," alongside a promotional image for Heavenly Plugs—a company known for their ecclesiastically themed adult toys. Vatican officials scrambled to mitigate what they have diplomatically termed an "outreach error."The Vatican Press Office released an official statement shortly after, clarifying that the tweet was intended to promote a new line of indulgence-themed rosaries but was derailed by a social media intern with questionable browser history. "This...

In an unprecedented turn of events, Officer Dave Jenkins of the San Francisco Police Department inadvertently handcuffed himself during a routine DUI checkpoint last night, raising more than just eyebrows among his fellow officers. Witnesses reported that Jenkins, while attempting to demonstrate the proper technique for handling inebriated unicorns—an entirely fictional concept he'd concocted after accidentally consuming a pot brownie at lunch—mistakenly clicked the cuffs onto his own wrists."I swear, the damn thing had...