Man Banned From Petco for Teaching Parrots to Say “ACAB”

March 10, 2026 at 1:37 pm
Jesus Christ Endorses Vape Brand, Church Attendance Triples
March 9, 2026
Time Traveler Returns to Warn Humanity About Nickelback Reunion
March 9, 2026
Florida Man Arrested for Wrestling Alligator in Popeyes Parking Lot
March 8, 2026
Local Scene Divided After Band’s Singer Joins MLM
March 8, 2026
TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2026
THE ALGORITHM DEMANDS BLOOD
VOL. 2026 • NO. 69
137 Articles • 3 Featured Stories
Data Underground
Updated 6:42 PM

Local Man Claims LSD Helped Him See God, God Says “Block This Number”

In a groundbreaking revelation today from Boulder, Colorado, a local man named Trevor Sanderson reported that an intense session with LSD led to a mystical encounter where he allegedly conversed with God. In a twist of celestial irony, divine sources have indicated that God has now decided to block Sanderson's number due to excessive messages. Witnesses claim they saw Trevor at Pearl Street Mall shouting about eternal truths while simultaneously debating whether Jesus would look better in Birkenstocks or Nikes.Sanderson insists that during his psychotropic experience, God appeared in a shimmering cloud of vape smoke and offered unsolicited advice on cryptocurrency investments. “He was really adamant about diversifying my Bitcoin...


Jesus Christ Kicked Out of Walmart for Shoplifting Wine Again

Jesus being escorted out of Walmart by security guards
Jesus Christ being led out of a Walmart store by security guards after attempting to shoplift wine.

In a bizarre incident on September 2, 2025, Jesus Christ was reportedly escorted out of a Walmart in Tulsa, Oklahoma, after being caught attempting to shoplift several bottles of red wine. Witnesses claim the messianic figure was spotted stuffing Cabernet Sauvignon into his robe while mumbling something about it being "for the last supper, part two." This marks the third time this month that Jesus has been removed from a retail establishment under similar circumstances.According to store security, who were understandably hesitant to wrestle with...


Elon Musk Launches Rocket Full of His Own Nudes “For Science”

Elon Musk nudes space launch
A Falcon Heavy rocket departing Earth with a payload of Elon Musk's nude photos for research purposes.

In a move that shocked even the most seasoned space enthusiasts, Elon Musk's SpaceX today launched a Falcon Heavy rocket filled with nude photographs of the billionaire himself. The payload, humorously dubbed 'Mission Full Exposure,' was sent skyward from Cape Canaveral as Musk asserted it was a revolutionary leap for scientific advancement in the field of interstellar eroticism. As the thrusters ignited, onlookers couldn't help but speculate whether Musk had finally lost touch with Earth's gravitational pull or...


Flat Earther Hospitalized After Falling Off Barstool “Proves Theory”

A man clutching a Flat Earth pamphlet lies dazed on a waffle house floor.
A man clutching a Flat Earth pamphlet lies dazed on a waffle house floor.

A recent incident at a waffle house in Birmingham, Alabama, has left one Flat Earth enthusiast both physically bruised and seemingly vindicated. Local conspiracy theorist Earl “The Edge” Thompson suffered minor injuries after toppling off a stool at the local greasy spoon, claiming the fall as definitive proof of the Earth’s flatness. Witnesses report that Thompson’s descent was as dramatic as his claims, ending with him sprawled out on the sticky tile. In an official statement made from his hospital bed, Thompson asserted, “They told me gravity would keep me steady on that stool. If...


Local Punk Arrested After Mosh Pit Breaks Out at Waffle House

In a shocking turn of events this past Saturday night, a local punk rock aficionado was apprehended at a Nashville Waffle House after inciting a full-fledged mosh pit within the confines of the breakfast joint. Patrons were caught off guard as greasy hash browns flew through the air like projectile missiles amidst a cacophony of clattering plates and guttural screams. Witnesses claim that the incident began when the jukebox inexplicably started blasting The Sex Pistols' 'Anarchy in the U.K.' without anyone putting in quarters.According to eyewitness reports, the scene rapidly devolved into chaos, with...


UFOs Refuse to Land Until Earth Pays Its Bar Tab

An alien spacecraft hovers above a bustling Earth bar with neon lights and patrons oblivious inside.
An alien spacecraft hovers above a bustling Earth bar with neon lights and patrons oblivious inside.

In a shocking revelation today, September 24, 2025, representatives from the Galactic Alcohol Trade Commission (GATC) announced that UFO sightings have dramatically declined because extraterrestrial visitors are refusing to land until Earth's bar tab is settled. The tab, reportedly accrued at cosmic speakeasies across multiple galaxies, includes charges for zero-gravity tequila shots and interstellar lap dances. Major cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Wichita have been hit hardest by the reduction in alien tourism, causing both celebration and concern. According to an intergalactic memo intercepted...


Canada, Mexico Leaders to Meet in September – Mostly to Avoid Talking to the U.S.

OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney and Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo are slated to meet this September for what officials are calling a “historic bilateral summit of meaningful silence.” The two leaders, citing a shared interest in “strategic hemispheric cooperation,” confirmed that no official agenda has been set — aside from deliberately not inviting anyone from Washington. According to leaked diplomatic cables obtained by Data Underground, both leaders have agreed to spend the majority of the summit pretending they’re too busy to answer calls from the United States. “We’ll be in deep talks,” one Canadian official said, “about maple syrup tariffs, sunblock exchange programs, and other matters that definitely can’t...


Trump Buys More Time and Flowers for Putin, Promises to Call Him “Soon as I Get Home”

Bouquet of flowers on a diplomatic desk with a phone in the background
A close-up shot of a diplomatic desk with a vibrant bouquet of flowers sitting next to a concealed landline phone—implying a skipped call.

WASHINGTON - In a move both bewildering and oddly poetic, former President Donald Trump has reportedly secured "more time" for Vladimir Putin - and tossed in a bouquet of flowers, just because. The gesture, officials say, is “less about diplomacy and more about D.C.-style charm,” encapsulated perfectly by Trump’s vow to “give Putin a ring as soon as I land at Mar‑a‑Lago.” Insider sources describe the floral offering as a strategic pivot away from his being in the Epstein files and towards subtle theatrics. One aide commented, “Why lecture a dictator when you can just send flowers and call him later? It’s practically old-school diplomacy - if Olivia Pope ran foreign policy.” A draft speech obtained by Data Underground shows...

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