Woman Marries ATM, Divorces After Machine Eats Card

SEATTLE—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both the music industry and pet grooming circles, a border collie named Buster started a punk band called "Fur-tality" and was promptly signed by Sub Pop Records. Witnesses claim the dog began barking along rhythmically to a Sex Pistols record during a routine checkup at Emerald City Vet Clinic. Dr. Sasha Morales reported, "One moment I’m giving him his rabies shot, the next he's howling like Johnny Rotten on amphetamines."As word spread faster than fleas in a mosh pit, it became clear this four-legged dynamo wasn't just howling in tune but also drawing up contracts with his slobbering paw. Sub Pop's spokesperson, Maxine Talbot, said, "Buster is...

PORTLAND, OR—Amidst the pungent aroma of stale beer and body odor, the kitchen of local punk house The Squatty Sanctuary has been declared an official biohazard by city health inspectors, who were shocked to find a pile of sex toys being used as paper towel holders beside a pile of what could only be described as fermenting punk stew. Despite the health risks, the house continues to host weekly shows, where bands like The Anal Retentives thrash away in a haze of questionable smells and airborne fungus.City inspector Hank Mortenson released a statement confirming that their...

Yesterday, in a bizarre turn of events, Father Jameson of St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City inadvertently baptized an entire congregation with Jägermeister instead of holy water. The incident occurred during the Sunday morning service when the priest reached for what he thought was the traditional vessel of sanctified water but was actually a flask filled with the iconic German herbal liqueur. Worshippers reported an unexpected sensation as the liquid splashed over them, with several congregants noting, 'It burned like hell but felt like heaven.'According to eyewitness reports, the mix-up happened after a particularly rowdy Saturday...