Billionaire Plans Mars Colony, Immediately Gentrifies It

PORTLAND, OR—Amidst the pungent aroma of stale beer and body odor, the kitchen of local punk house The Squatty Sanctuary has been declared an official biohazard by city health inspectors, who were shocked to find a pile of sex toys being used as paper towel holders beside a pile of what could only be described as fermenting punk stew....

SEATTLE—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both the music industry and pet grooming circles, a border collie named Buster started a punk band called "Fur-tality" and was promptly signed by Sub Pop Records. Witnesses claim the dog began barking along rhythmically to a Sex Pistols record during a routine checkup at Emerald City Vet Clinic. Dr. Sasha Morales reported, "One moment I’m giving him his rabies shot, the next he's howling like Johnny Rotten on amphetamines."As word spread faster than fleas in a mosh pit, it became clear this four-legged dynamo wasn't just howling in tune but also drawing up contracts with his slobbering paw. Sub Pop's spokesperson, Maxine Talbot,...

In a baffling turn of events, a local man in Newark, New Jersey reportedly attempted to smoke crack cocaine through a vape pen and unexpectedly found himself hurtling through time. The incident occurred late Sunday night at Big Lou's Vape and Bodega, where eyewitnesses claim the man vanished just after taking a hit. "He took one puff, and poof! He was gone," said Lucy Martinez, who was restocking the shelves with adult magazines at the time. Local authorities have dubbed this the "Crack To The Future" incident.According to initial reports, the man, identified as 28-year-old Derek Thompson, was casually experimenting with his custom rig when he suddenly disappeared amidst a cloud...