Cops Raid House Party, Leave With Better Mixtape Than Evidence

OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney and Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo are slated to meet this September for what officials are calling a “historic bilateral summit of meaningful silence.” The two leaders, citing a shared interest in “strategic hemispheric cooperation,” confirmed that no official agenda has been set — aside from deliberately not inviting anyone from Washington. According to leaked diplomatic cables obtained by...

In a press conference held aboard a mockup ISS module in Mountain View, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman assured new graduates they would have “limitless opportunities” in space, though he emphasized that most positions would be “janitorial adjacent.” The announcement came alongside a broader tech-industry initiative to outsource orbital maintenance tasks to debt-laden humanities majors. “Cleaning in zero gravity is the future,” Altman stated with conviction. “We’re talking toilet zones with lateral spray patterns, airborne crumbs from powdered soy meat, and maintenance...

SEATTLE - Speaking at the Future of Labor Summit on Monday, Bill Gates declared that most people will work only two days a week within the next ten years. “Thanks to AI and automation, humanity’s labor burden is finally lifting,” said Gates, addressing a crowd of tech CEOs, lobbyists, and a lone...