Local Witch Hexes HOA, Neighborhood Immediately Improves

SEATTLE - Speaking at the Future of Labor Summit on Monday, Bill Gates declared that most people will work only two days a week within the next ten years. “Thanks to AI and automation, humanity’s labor burden is finally lifting,” said Gates, addressing a crowd of tech CEOs, lobbyists, and a lone substitute teacher who won a radio contest. Gates’ proposed week includes “Core Effort Days” (Monday and Tuesday), followed by “Mind Recovery Time,” “Optional Output Flex,” and a full...

LVIV, UKRAINE - What began as a diplomatic “solidarity gathering” with beer, folk music, and a modest outdoor tent quickly spiraled into one of the most controversial episodes of Ukraine’s wartime diplomacy. Multiple European diplomats woke up Saturday morning aboard an unmarked NATO transport aircraft, groggy and confused, headed to an unscheduled summit with former U.S. President Donald Trump. Sources confirm they had been told it was a “bonfire debrief and morale builder.” “We thought it was a unity kegger,” said one German delegate, still wearing a flower crown and someone else’s scarf. “The last thing I remember was someone yelling 'one last toast to democracy' before the lights went out.” Eyewitnesses say the event featured a beer...

Toronto, Canada - In a newly unearthed liner note discovered behind a Toronto Waffle House, it was revealed that the oppressive A.I. overlords in Rush’s 2112 weren't omniscient machines — they were just early builds of ChatGPT 5.2 running in verbose mode. “We assumed the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx...