Alien Refuses to Abduct Earthlings Until Planet Pays Ransom in Beer

July 13, 2026 at 4:54 pm
Billionaire Announces New Airline, All Flights Crash Into Capitalism
July 13, 2026
Woman Arrested for Shoplifting 400 Condoms, Claims It’s “For Science”
July 12, 2026
Pastor Accidentally Eats Edibles, Declares “Jesus Is Chill as Hell”
July 12, 2026
MONDAY, JULY 13, 2026
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VOL. 2026 • NO. 194
255 Articles • 3 Featured Stories
Data Underground
Updated 11:21 PM

Woman Marries ATM, Divorces After Machine Eats Card

Bride standing next to an ATM with divorce papers

In a bizarre turn of events that could only happen in today's world, a woman has reportedly married an ATM machine after it displayed signs of affection by projecting a holographic ufo during her transactions. The nuptials took place outside a Bank of America branch in downtown Los Angeles, drawing a curious crowd of onlookers and bewildered tourists. The marriage was...


Satan Shows Up to Open Mic Night, Kills With Tight 5 Minutes

Satan performing stand-up comedy

Last night, the unthinkable happened at Chuckle Hut in Brooklyn as Satan himself materialized on stage, delivering a fiery five-minute set that had audiences laughing harder than a nun discovering Tinder for the first time. Patrons at the club first thought it was an elaborate prank until the smell of brimstone and the distinct hum of eternal damnation filled the room, prompting one audience member to quip, “Who knew Hell had such great acoustics?”According to eyewitnesses, the Prince of Darkness wasted...


Punk Zine Launches on OnlyFans, Immediately Profitable

Punk Zine Editorial Team Celebrating

In a groundbreaking move blending independent publishing with adult entertainment, gritty Brooklyn punk zine "Riotous Harmony" has found its financial salvation by launching exclusively on OnlyFans, sparking both chaos and curiosity. Released on September 1, the first issue featured an editorial that boldly combined anarchist poetry with tastefully curated nudes of the editorial staff, immediately attracting thousands of subscribers including...

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