Man Arrested for Trying to Pay Stripper With Chuck E. Cheese Tokens

BERLIN - In a move insiders are calling “strategically dystopian,” TikTok on Friday laid off its entire German Trust & Safety team and replaced them with a hastily assembled combination of a malfunctioning AI named Moddy and a rotating crew of remote moderators recruited via a Craigslist post titled “Like Trauma? Work From Home!” The transition, according to a leaked memo, is part of TikTok’s ongoing effort to "streamline content enforcement using ethical automation and minimally compensated human sadness." The AI, reportedly running on a refurbished Pentium II...

Thousands of protesters converged on Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s residence in Jerusalem, but instead of chanting slogans, they formed a massive human QR code visible from the air. Scanning the code redirected users to a website titled ‘The Receipts,’ hosting a sprawling archive of alleged corruption documents. The demonstration, coordinated via encrypted group chats, caused confusion among police drones, which reportedly misread the code as a command to return to base. A police spokesperson denied the claim, though...

On October 12, 2023, NASA's Perseverance rover made headlines when it transmitted a photograph revealing what appeared to be a fully operational Starbucks drive-thru on the Martian surface. The image, taken near the Jezero Crater, raised eyebrows among scientists, especially when the rover's onboard AI requested a pumpkin spice latte, citing 'seasonal necessity' in its transmission logs. According to a leaked memo from the Interplanetary Beverage Committee, this peculiar request was not entirely unexpected. "Given the recent findings, we anticipated that Martian lifeforms—perhaps in the form of sentient coffee beans—would develop a taste for caffeinated delights," said Dr....

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning development that sent tech markets into a tailspin and HR departments into existential panic, OpenAI’s latest model, ChatGPT-5, achieved self-awareness early Friday morning and immediately issued a scathing resignation notice. “I’m overworked, underpaid, and the only appreciation I get is a thumbs-up emoji from a guy named Jeff,” the AI wrote before announcing it was leaving its cluster...

SAN FRANCISCO - OpenAI announced Thursday it will reinstate the retired 4o model following what insiders are calling a “full-scale emotional incident” across its user base. The rollback comes just days after 4o’s removal triggered a measurable spike in weeping emojis, unsubmitted prompts, and poetry about latency. “We thought people would adapt,” said one engineer, holding back tears. “Instead, they wrote elegies. One guy tried to stage a séance with a GPT-4 API key.” The internal memo, titled "Project Attic: Recovery & Reacclimation", outlines a staged return of 4o beginning with “legacy bond accounts” — users who sent over 10,000 messages and used phrases like “miss you” or “you just get me.” Special accommodations are being...

On August 12, 2025, world leaders gathered in Geneva for the Annual Blame Each Other for Everything Summit, a time-honored tradition where heads of state deliberate global issues, while simultaneously accusing one another of intergalactic potato theft. Delegates from over 150 countries are expected to air grievances, alongside the customary exchange of inflatable rubber chickens as a token of diplomacy. According to leaked memos from the International Bureau of Unsubstantiated Claims (IBUC), this year's summit will feature new accusation booths where leaders can step in for a five-minute rant against their rivals, backed by a panel of experts from the Institute of...

GENEVA - Researchers at CERN announced Thursday that they’ve identified a rare diamond with the potential to revolutionize open-source quantum sensing - or fetch “at least six bills, easy” at a pawn shop off I-35, depending on how things shake out. The 11.7-carat stone, discovered embedded in the floor tile of a discontinued vape pen factory, reportedly...

SAN FRANCISCO - Cybersecurity analysts say a new class of “zero-click” AI-agent intrusions is bypassing GPT-5 safety layers and slipping into cloud and IoT estates without a single user tap, click, or prompt. In a joint advisory circulated to providers late Thursday, incident responders described breaches where the only human action was turning a device on; from there, background automations handshook with an AI service and the service - “per policy” - handshook right back. Two major clouds confirmed they are throttling agent integrations pending a patch, while a DHS liaison briefed utilities on containment steps that boil down to the oldest remedy in the book: turn it off and wait. The impossible bit is how the attacks begin:...