On September 2, 2025, Portland’s Shady Pines complex tenants awoke to a pungent surprise as their landlord, Theodore “Sticky Fingers” Johnson, demanded rent payments in cannabis, announcing it by streaking through the courtyard wearing nothing but hemp underwear and a smile. “Weed is the future,” Johnson yelled as tenants blinked through the haze of marijuana […]
In a Cleveland bathroom, local punk guitarist Tommy ‘Tatters’ Thompson awoke Tuesday morning, convinced that the porcelain tub he found himself in was not just a temporary resting place after another night of heavy drinking, but his new permanent residence. Thompson, who performs with the band “The Sneaky Ferrets,” reportedly told authorities he had secured […]
In an unexpected twist in the world of culinary innovation, a methamphetamine lab in Fresno accidentally concocted a new Mountain Dew flavor. The incident occurred when a batch of pure blue meth accidentally reacted with a stash of industrial-grade citrus flavoring, producing what local authorities are calling ‘Mountain Dew: Meth Blaster.’ Officer Randy Milton of […]
In an audacious move that left Brooklyn’s rebellious hearts pounding faster than a basement mosh pit, the infamous punk zine ‘Gutterspit’ recently rolled out its latest issue printed on toilet paper, unapologetically doubling as both literature and emergency cleanup. Released exclusively at the Gowanus Bathtub—a venue famed for hosting music acts who allegedly require narcotic-fueled […]
Last night at a Detroit dive bar, where tinder profiles get more action than the jukebox, an octogenarian known only as Grandma G accidentally found herself the victor in a raunchy rap battle. The event turned south almost immediately when she stepped onto the stage with a margarita in one hand and a fistful of […]
In an unexpected twist at the Mayo Clinic’s annual symposium, a researcher accidentally debuted a cocaine-resistant nose prototype during what was meant to be a mundane sinus health presentation. Dr. Elaine Porter’s experimental nasal graft, designed initially for improving airflow in heavy snorers, became the talk of the event when she revealed it could withstand […]
On September 2, 2025, in an unusual twist of fate and the scent of industrial-grade disinfectant, a punk couple sealed their love affair with a raw promise in the bathroom of a Circle K located in Tucson, Arizona. Known only by their stage names, Spit and Lipstick, the couple declared their engagement amidst the hum […]
In a groundbreaking study released today by the University of California, Berkeley, researchers have discovered that marijuana can cure an astonishing range of ailments, from hangnails to erectile dysfunction, but does absolutely nothing for your credit score. The study, funded in part by billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk’s whimsical decision to turn his Tesla factory […]
In an unexpected turn of events at a local punk show in Portland, Oregon last night, a full-sized horse was successfully crowd-surfed from the mosh pit to the stage, causing chaos and delight in equal measure. The show, hosted at the iconic Crystal Ballroom, was abruptly shut down when organizers realized that their insurance policy […]
On September 2, 2025, Walmart locations across the nation have quietly unveiled a new self-checkout option that allows shoppers to engage in consensual fistfights for discounts. Dubbed the ‘Fight Club’ checkout, this groundbreaking addition has quickly become a popular choice for those looking to knock out both their weekly shopping and a couple of teeth. […]