In a press conference held aboard a mockup ISS module in Mountain View, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman assured new graduates they would have “limitless opportunities” in space, though he emphasized that most positions would be “janitorial adjacent.” The announcement came alongside a broader tech-industry initiative to outsource orbital maintenance tasks to debt-laden humanities majors.
“Cleaning in zero gravity is the future,” Altman stated with conviction. “We’re talking toilet zones with lateral spray patterns, airborne crumbs from powdered soy meat, and maintenance of morale via motivational stickers on space Roombas.” NASA has yet to confirm involvement but did retweet Altman’s post with a thumbs-up emoji.
According to leaked documents from the United Federation of Orbital Contractors (UFOC), tasks include bio-scrub chamber sanitation, debris deflection polishing, and “motivational reinforcement” for autonomous AI janitorial units. The report claims space custodians will be compensated in stablecoins backed by carbon offset credits and archived Reddit gold.
Critics warn that the program diverts attention from more grounded economic concerns. “We’re offering students cosmic mop duty while AI eats terrestrial careers,” said Dr. Imani West of the Tech Realignment Initiative. “Also, zero-g toilets are statistically the least forgiving environment for beginners.” Despite this, over 14,000 applications were submitted within an hour of launch—most from anthropology departments.
Altman concluded the briefing by unveiling the program’s slogan: *“Your Degree Will Orbit Longer Than Your Career.”* As the module door sealed behind him with a hiss, reporters were handed microfiber gloves and assigned cleaning zones for “immersive experience.” No one has seen them since.
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