New Study Finds Weed Cures Everything Except Your Credit Score

In a groundbreaking study released today by the University of California, Berkeley, researchers have discovered that marijuana can cure an astonishing range of ailments, from hangnails to erectile dysfunction, but does absolutely nothing for your credit score. The study, funded in part by billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk’s whimsical decision to turn his Tesla factory into a weed-powered spaceship, found that while cannabis has miraculous effects on the body and mind, it is powerless against the bane of consumer debt.

Lead researcher Dr. Fiona Puffington stated in the press release, “While marijuana is effective in treating anxiety and chronic pain, it shows no efficacy in improving one’s FICO score. We even tried rubbing infused oils directly onto financial statements to no avail.” This declaration has left many hopeful potheads disillusioned, as they had anticipated their green habits could somehow boost their greenbacks.

The study includes testimonials from participants who allegedly experienced everything from spontaneous hair regrowth to an inexplicable ability to communicate with cats. However, despite these miracles, every participant reported that their credit score remained stubbornly stagnant. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau has warned consumers not to expect any quick fixes from lighting up during their weekly budgeting sessions.

Researchers also noted some bizarre side effects: 43% of subjects reported hallucinating detailed visions of their credit scores physically attacking them after a particularly potent strain known as “Fiscal Fantasy” was introduced to the trial. Meanwhile, 72% claimed to have briefly experienced the sensation of being debt-free, only for the feeling to dissipate as soon as they checked their bank app and saw the overdraft fees multiplying like bunnies on spring break.

As the study concludes with plans for further exploration into cannabis-based financial therapy, Dr. Puffington humorously remarked, “We’re pretty sure at this point if weed could fix your credit score, we’d all be out of a job and hosting credit repair seminars at Burning Man.” For now, it seems your only hope is paying off your debts the old-fashioned way—one dime bag at a time.