Punk Band Plays 36-Hour Set, Audience Still Too Polite to Leave

In a move as unexpected as a nun in a strip club, Chainsaw Delight took the stage at Chicago’s The Leaky Faucet last Saturday and started a 36-hour punk set that saw attendees politely clinging to their spots, despite the bassist playing the entire first hour with a strategically placed purple dildo instead of a guitar pick. The band’s relentless aural assault was punctuated by the lead singer’s repeated attempts at a strip tease, leaving the audience in a bizarre trance, teetering between shock and awe.

Determined to set a new standard in endurance gigs, Chainsaw Delight promised not to stop until every listener was either deaf or dead from alcohol poisoning. “We figured, why not go for it?” said drummer Crash Thunder. “It’s like the Olympics of punk, except with more nudity and fewer rules.” The band’s manifesto of chaos extended to unconventional methods, such as using a blow-up doll as a stage prop to incite the crowd.

Meanwhile, the city of Chicago inadvertently found itself in the middle of a social experiment when local authorities realized that noise complaints dropped dramatically as people opted for Chainsaw Delight’s racket over the neighbor’s perpetually barking poodle and ongoing roadwork. Mayor Tina Lightfoot jokingly noted, “Looks like Chainsaw Delight solved our urban noise problem—unintentionally, of course. Now, if only they could do something about the pigeons.” Tech companies are reportedly studying this phenomenon, considering punk as a potential tool for urban planning.

Amid this chaotic cacophony, economists are noting an unusual uptick in local business as patrons emptied liquor shelves while consuming questionable gummies handed out by a mysteriously generous roadie, ominously referred to as ‘Acid Andy.’ Sales of earplugs and aspirin soared, marking an unexpected boon for pharmacy chains. Even local therapist offices reported an increase in appointments booked by frazzled attendees seeking to make sense of the surreal experience.

As Chainsaw Delight finally concluded their historic assault on eardrums with a finale that involved smashing a toilet seat on stage, leaving the audience both bewildered and strangely fulfilled, the question remains whether this marks the beginning of a new musical endurance genre or just a fever dream gone too far. Whatever the case, one thing is clear: Acid Andy might just be the unsung hero, orchestrating an auditory revolution from behind a haze of questionable intentions.