Man Banned From Chuck E. Cheese for Trying to Pay with Shrooms

In an unusual twist of modern parenting, a man in Portland, Oregon, was reportedly banned from a local Chuck E. Cheese after attempting to pay for pizza and arcade tokens with cocaine and psychedelic mushrooms. The incident unfolded during what witnesses described as a “mind-bending birthday bash,” where the man allegedly confused his stash of party favors with his wallet, turning a children’s party into an impromptu rave.

According to witnesses, the man, identified only as Jeremy, approached the counter and nonchalantly laid out what he believed were payments. “I thought it was the new cryptocurrency everyone’s talking about,” Jeremy claimed while being escorted out by security. A Chuck E. Cheese spokesperson stated, “We have a strict policy against illicit substances being used as currency in our establishment, even if they do promise to take you on a ‘magical pizza trip.'”

This bizarre payment method is not an isolated event, reflecting a broader trend in which individuals attempt to integrate psychedelics into everyday transactions, particularly in states with relaxed drug laws. With the introduction of MushCoin—a fictional digital currency backed by tech mogul and self-proclaimed ‘Chief Mushroom Officer’ Elon Fung—there’s growing concern that cash might soon be replaced by mind-altering fungi in more than just novelty situations.

Experts are now studying the psychological effects of what they’re calling “Fungal Finance,” warning that using psilocybin as a financial instrument could lead to unpredictable economic swings and hallucination-induced inflation. Reports suggest a spike in ‘trip-flation,’ where goods temporarily appear more or less valuable depending on the consumer’s current state of consciousness, leading to unforeseen market volatility.

In light of these events, Chuck E. Cheese has installed psychedelic detectors at all entrances nationwide and issued new guidelines: “Please ensure your form of payment is not hallucinogenic before attempting a transaction.” As Jeremy left the establishment, he quipped, “Guess I’ll have to stick to paying with credit cards—or maybe just bring Monopoly money next time.”