New Study Finds Cocaine Improves Bowling Scores by 300%

September 02, 2025 — In a groundbreaking study conducted at the University of Southern California, researchers have discovered that cocaine use significantly enhances bowling scores. The report, funded by an anonymous benefactor rumored to be a former bowling champion with a penchant for both strikes and snorts, reveals that bowlers who indulged in moderate lines saw their scores skyrocket by an astounding 300%. The findings have caused a stir in bowling alleys across America, with some avid players lining up outside their local pharmacies instead of the usual ball return.

According to Dr. Hank Orville, lead researcher and part-time DJ at local underground raves, “The correlation between enhanced kinetic energy and nasal ingestion is undeniable.” Orville’s team observed participants competing in high-stakes matches while occasionally ducking into the restroom stalls to ‘powder their noses.’ He noted, “The increased focus and erratic enthusiasm produced some of the cleanest gutter balls transitioning into strikes I’ve ever witnessed.”

In an attempt to keep up with evolving sports science, the American Bowling Congress has launched an exploratory committee to consider incorporating cocaine use into official league regulations. A leaked memo from the ABC suggests serious discussion around rebranding to the ‘Powdered Pins Tour.’ Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies are said to be lobbying Congress for legislation that would allow them to market their products directly within bowling alleys nationwide.

The report also highlights potential side effects including excessive sweating leading to slippery lanes and overzealous fist pumps causing minor injuries. Regardless, cocaine-sponsored tournaments are expected to draw enormous crowds. Local bars adjacent to bowling alleys are already reporting record sales of White Russians as aficionados mix business with pleasure in this thrilling new chapter of competitive sports.

While critics warn of a slippery slope—both on the lanes and off—the enthusiasm among bowlers is palpable. As one bowler aptly put it, “When life gives you lemons, slice them up for your tequila shots after the game!” Whether the sport will survive its newfound love affair with illicit substances remains uncertain, but for now, enthusiasts are reveling in this unexpected strike against sobriety.