SEATTLE—In a move that surprised exactly nobody with a sense of humor, local authorities on September 1, 2025, deported Zoltron, an alien who recently started a punk band in downtown Seattle. Zoltron, whose unique interpretation of space rock included playing a guitar using only his prehensile tongue while spewing lyrics about intergalactic sex scandals, was sent back to Mars after what immigration officials called an ‘interstellar breach of conduct.’
According to the Seattle Intergalactic Liaison Office, the decision to send Zoltron back to the red planet was influenced by reports of his band’s late-night rooftop concerts causing ‘cosmic disturbances’ and complaints about their latest single, ‘Take Me to Uranus,’ being too explicit for Earthling sensibilities. ‘We had no choice but to return him,’ said Officer Linda Gruntz, still wiping green alien goo off her uniform. ‘The noise complaints were bad enough, but the smell was out of this world.’
As extraterrestrial relations become as tangled as Zoltron’s neon tentacles in his bass strings, some Earth citizens expressed concern over what they call ‘alien censorship.’ Tech mogul Elon Musk tweeted, ‘I support interplanetary free speech! Bring back punk Martians!’ Meanwhile, rumors circulate that SpaceX is developing specialized spacecraft to accommodate alien musicians looking for greener—or redder—pastures off-world.
Zoltron’s case highlights the galactic-sized loopholes in current space immigration laws. According to Section 9-67-42B of the Alien Integration Act, any entity from another planet found to be ‘unintentionally inspiring Earthlings with anti-gravitational rhythms’ faces immediate deportation. The act is rumored to have been influenced by a secretive faction within NASA that’s hell-bent on preserving the serenity of Earth’s soundscape.
As Zoltron reluctantly boarded his deportation craft amidst chants from fans demanding an encore performance, he promised one last gravity-defying show before departure. When asked if he had any final words for his Earth-bound followers, Zoltron simply winked all three eyes and said, ‘Catch you on the flip side—or maybe next orbit.’
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