In an incident that has local authorities scratching their heads and neighbors clutching their sides, a 78-year-old grandmother was found inebriated and waving a garden hoe on the roof of her Spokane home, passionately arguing that she was warding off an imminent alien invasion. Police responded to the scene late last night, interrupting what appeared to be a one-woman stand against extraterrestrial trespassers. “Those little green bastards won’t probe me again!” she shouted as officers managed to coax her down with promises of a fresh pack of Virginia Slims.
The Spokane Police Department reported that this is the third time this month that Mrs. Gladys Porter has been apprehended for otherworldly-related disturbances. Her most recent escapade involved a misinterpreted attempt to communicate with what she called “the mothership” using Christmas lights and an old CB radio. Sgt. Hank Taylor commented, “Mrs. Porter assures us she’s on a first-name basis with them. Apparently, they’re called the Zargonites, and they owe her a damn pension.”
Experts from the local Community Psychiatry Alliance noted that her claims, while bizarre, mirror a growing national trend of hallucinatory beliefs coinciding with increased consumption of homemade moonshine among seniors. Dr. Lisa Hayworth warned that these incidents might spark what she terms the “Silver UFO Phenomenon,” where elderly citizens, influenced by potent liquor and even more potent internet conspiracy theories, believe they are humanity’s last line of defense against cosmic threats.
The city council has debated introducing a “Senior Surveillance Initiative” aimed at tracking residents’ intergalactic activities via drones equipped with ‘Granny-Cams’. The technology promises to accurately monitor any unforeseen roof-climbing or unauthorized alien interactions. Councilman Doug Shelton mentioned, “If they’re gonna save us from aliens, the least we can do is keep an eye on their antics.” The proposal also includes weekly workshops on distinguishing between reality and binge-watching too much sci-fi.
As the sun rose over Spokane this morning, Mrs. Porter was reportedly seen winking at the sky before retreating indoors with a bottle of gin and a telescope, vowing to be ready for next Tuesday’s supposed celestial showdown. Authorities remain on high alert, fearing both for her safety and theirs should negotiations with interstellar visitors take an unexpected turn. Whether or not aliens invade, one thing is clear: never underestimate a feisty grandma armed with booze and gardening tools.
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