In a bizarre turn of events on September 2, 2025, a New York City man who thought he was entering a Taco Bell found himself inadvertently inducted into the Church of Eternal Darkness, a notorious Satanic cult located in an old warehouse that once housed a defunct Barnes & Noble. Jake Thompson, 29, described feeling a sudden urge to summon demonic nachos and pledged eternal allegiance before realizing there wasn’t even a combo menu in sight. “I just wanted some cheesy gordita crunch,” Thompson lamented, clutching a sacrificial dagger instead of a Baja Blast.
According to sources inside the Church of Eternal Darkness, it’s not uncommon for unsuspecting individuals to stumble into their midst seeking fast food indulgence. “We keep the place shrouded in mystery, but our ‘Black Mass Fiesta’ sign might be too close to a late-night snack craving,” cult leader Sister Morticia ominously quipped. Despite complaints from the neighboring Chipotle about disturbances caused by ritualistic chanting, NYPD officers allegedly turned a blind eye after receiving coupons for free hellfire burritos.
City officials are now contemplating stricter zoning laws as reports indicate that New York’s growing number of “Occult-Adjacent Dining Establishments” are causing confusion and gastrointestinal distress among residents. Mayor Zeke Bloomberg III commented during a press conference, “We must ensure that no citizen ends up sacrificing goats instead of enjoying tacos.” Analysts suggest the phenomenon may be fueled by skyrocketing rent prices forcing local businesses to merge into bizarre hybrid operations like ‘Taco Hell’ or ‘Wendy’s Hex’.
The cult’s recruitment strategy involves offering free Wi-Fi and charging stations for electric scooters alongside free ‘Hell Wraps’ for new members—an initiative rumored to increase their ranks by 666% since last year. The trendy yet unsettling concept has drawn attention from Silicon Valley venture capitalists eager to invest in “mystic-munchies synergy”, with billions at stake if demonic dining goes mainstream.
Meanwhile, Thompson now faces the challenge of explaining his unintentional oath to his bewildered girlfriend. In what might be considered classic millennial miscommunication, she was less concerned about potential demonic possession and more outraged over missing out on chalupas for dinner. As Thompson was led into a darkened chamber by hooded acolytes chanting orders for “One soul extra crispy,” he couldn’t help but wonder if he could at least snag some Diablo sauce on the way out.
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