In an unprecedented move that has stunned environmentalists and hydrophiles alike, tech billionaire Calvin R. Starkweather announced today that he has purchased the entirety of the Pacific Ocean for a cool $300 billion. Within hours of the transaction, Starkweather declared his intention to profit from the ocean’s pollution potential by unleashing a fleet of colossal, oil-slicked cruise liners that also function as floating casinos and underwater brothels. ‘The ocean is not just a body of water,’ Starkweather stated at his press conference held aboard his personal luxury submarine. ‘It’s the world’s largest untapped market for adult entertainment and high-stakes gambling.’
The Federal Bureau of Aquatic Transactions (FBAT), established just last month under dubious circumstances, swiftly approved Starkweather’s acquisition. Their official statement read, ‘In recognition of Mr. Starkweather’s vision for sustainable debauchery and economic growth, we grant him full autonomy over oceanic operations.’ Supporters of the move have praised it as a bold step in privatizing natural resources while critics fear it sets a dangerous precedent. ‘What’s next?’ asked Dr. Marla Tidewell of Ocean Preservation Society. ‘Selling the air?’
While experts debate the legality of privatizing an entire ocean, Starkweather insists that his actions are both innovative and beneficial to global markets. His plan includes introducing genetically modified sea creatures capable of acting as live dealers in underwater poker games and offering eco-friendly oil spills that double as hot tubs for exclusive clientele. ‘By 2030, our oceans will be more economically robust than Wall Street,’ boasted Starkweather, reportedly while sipping champagne filtered through a jellyfish.
The new initiative is reportedly already having ripple effects on global industries. The maritime insurance sector has introduced a new category—’Accidental Mermaid Engagement’—in response to alarming reports that some patrons have developed deep emotional connections with the sentient aquatic personnel aboard these seafaring pleasure palaces. The World Health Organization expressed concern over skyrocketing cases of ‘Ocean Lust Syndrome,’ a condition fueled by prolonged exposure to seductive siren songs broadcasted across all frequencies.
As environmental groups scramble to form coalitions against what they call ‘The Great Pacific Sell-Off,’ Starkweather remains unfazed. He teased future plans to bottle saltwater as luxury cologne branded as ‘Eau de Profit.’ Despite intense backlash, he shrugged off criticism with a smirk, claiming that money talks louder than waves and jokingly suggested he’d name a hurricane after himself just to watch it spin gold out of chaos.
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