Priest Accidentally Calls 1-900 Number Instead of God

In a divine communication mishap that has left the Vatican red-faced, Father Damien O’Malley of St. Augustine’s Church in New York City reportedly dialed a 1-900 adult hotline instead of his usual number for heavenly counsel. Sources close to the incident revealed that the priest, known for his impassioned sermons on chastity, fumbled with the phone while trying to bypass celestial bureaucracy, landing himself into a conversation with “Mistress Magdalene.”

The church is treating this incident with the utmost gravity, stating that Father O’Malley’s accidental detour into digital debauchery was a result of “unexpected divine intervention in telecom pathways.” A spokesperson for the archdiocese explained, “It seems even heavenly operators can misinterpret a call for holy guidance as a request for something more… interactive.” The Vatican has since issued an emergency directive to all clergy, advising them to double-check their speed dials.

This communication blunder comes on the heels of recent reports that tech moguls are developing AI-driven confession booths designed to streamline spiritual consultations. These booths, programmed with GPT-9 technology and equipped with data analytics on sin frequency, have been criticized for potential privacy breaches. Critics argue that there’s only a thin line between praying and paying, especially when corporate interests are involved in matters of the soul.

According to unnamed sources within the industry, this isn’t an isolated incident. Recent church memos suggest a spike in cross-wired calls due to the rising popularity of virtual prayer apps that share infrastructure with adult entertainment networks. It turns out that dialing heaven shares some uncanny similarities with reaching earthly pleasures if one skips a digit—or two. The Vatican has reportedly invested $2 million in consulting fees to understand these unforeseen consequences.

As Father O’Malley recovers from this theological telephonic trauma, he’s reportedly considering switching back to carrier pigeons for all future divine communications. Meanwhile, Mistress Magdalene has extended an invitation for further dialogue—leaving O’Malley pondering whether this is another twist of fate or simply an unexpected vocational calling.