In an unexpected turn of events that baffled patrons and staff alike, a disoriented alien was discovered nursing a fifth of Jack Daniel’s in the bathroom of an Applebee’s located in Roswell, New Mexico. The extraterrestrial visitor, who identified himself as Zoglar from the planet Glorp, reportedly slurred incoherently about Earth’s ‘oppressive gravitational field’ before projectile vomiting into a urinal. Witnesses claim Zoglar’s skin glistened like a disco ball under the flickering fluorescent lights as local authorities attempted to reason with him.
According to the Roswell Police Department’s official statement, this marks the first incident involving interstellar intoxication in recent history. Officer Judy Stevens, lead investigator on the case, noted that Zoglar was initially cooperative but became belligerent when asked for his identification. ‘He kept insisting we call him by his title, Supreme Boozehound of Glorp,’ Stevens reported. In an equally bizarre twist, Zoglar offered officers what appeared to be holographic coupons for half-price appetizers, claiming they were universal currency.
The situation has ignited heated debates among scientists and politicians alike about the potential dangers of intergalactic visitors succumbing to earthly vices. Dr. Neil Strangelove of NASA’s Office of Cosmic Affairs emphasized the importance of establishing clear guidelines for extraterrestrial visitors who partake in human leisure activities. ‘It’s critical we develop a protocol,’ Dr. Strangelove explained. ‘We can’t have alien tourists crashing their UFOs into Olive Gardens after one too many Long Island iced teas.’
Meanwhile, tech billionaires have seized the moment as a PR opportunity, with Elon Musk tweeting plans for a zero-gravity bar aboard SpaceX flights—promising ‘Martian margaritas’ and ‘asteroid ale’ designed specifically for spacefarers. These developments raise ethical questions, with concerned citizens speculating whether Earth will become the Vegas of the Milky Way. Despite these discussions, Applebee’s remains unfazed, issuing a cheeky press release inviting all life forms to enjoy their two-for-one drink specials responsibly.
As Zoglar sobered up and departed in his saucer-shaped vehicle with newfound knowledge of human hospitality, Roswell residents couldn’t help but wonder if this was just the beginning of an era where aliens frequenting Earth’s casual dining spots becomes as normal as an awkward Tinder date. The town braced itself for future encounters; after all, it isn’t every day you see an alien stumbling out of Applebee’s ranting about Earth’s gravitational tyranny.
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