In an unprecedented turn of events in the Los Angeles underground music scene, a newly discovered alien life form joined a local punk band only to quit after their first gig paid solely in beer. The extraterrestrial, hailing from a distant galaxy, was reportedly lured to Earth by the loud, thrashing sounds emanating from a notorious venue in East LA known as The Cosmic Dive Bar. Upon receiving his compensation, the alien, who goes by the name Zorvax-7, reportedly belched a foul-smelling gas in protest before vanishing into thin air, much to the amusement and confusion of the remaining band members.
“We thought we’d hit the jackpot with Zorvax—his tentacles had this wicked ability to play three guitars at once,” said Johnny “Rash” McPherson, lead vocalist of The Asteroid Anarchists. According to a hastily scribbled note left by Zorvax-7, the intergalactic traveler expressed disappointment over Earth’s primitive economic system that offers fermented beverages as currency. “In Zorvax’s galaxy, they pay in interstellar credits and clean energy cells. Beer is apparently seen as a laughable trade item, akin to swapping gold for belly lint,” noted McPherson while nursing a warm PBR.
While it may seem like an unlikely scenario, experts are pointing fingers at recent Silicon Valley investments where tech moguls have been secretly developing extraterrestrial recruitment algorithms. “This is just another example of Big Tech’s reckless meddling,” said Dr. Helena Weissman of MIT’s Department of Alien Integration Studies. “We’ve seen these startups prioritizing quarterly profits over genuine cultural exchange. If we keep offering them beer for their talents, we might end up offending an entire alien federation.”
The brief collaboration did produce some notable side effects according to onlookers at The Cosmic Dive Bar last night. The venue’s notoriously sticky floors briefly emitted a pleasant lavender scent during Zorvax’s performance, possibly due to his species’ natural cleaning abilities. Moreover, several attendees reported inexplicable cravings for intergalactic space snacks post-show—a sensation that lingered well into their Uber rides home.
As East LA recovers from its unexpected brush with the cosmos, many are left wondering what future encounters will hold if our earthly offerings fail to impress our celestial visitors. “Next time, maybe we’ll try paying them in crypto,” mused Rash with a shrug, already texting potential replacements on his battered smartphone. Meanwhile, back on his home planet, it’s rumored Zorvax-7 has started an anti-Earth propaganda campaign warning fellow aliens about Earthlings’ subpar hospitality standards and baffling monetary practices.
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