In a shocking turn of events that puts the notorious Sex Pistols to shame, the punk band Rotten Appendixes has canceled their upcoming show at the legendary CBGB’s in New York City after every single member contracted the same rare STD from a seemingly innocent groupie from the Outer Boroughs. The disease, humorously dubbed ‘Gonorrhea Maximus’ by the band’s drummer Slash Wound, has caused chaos within the underground music scene and a desperate run on penicillin across Manhattan.
Dr. Maxine Hardgrove of Bellevue Hospital confirmed the diagnosis, stating, “The strain appears to be uniquely aggressive due to its unusual origin; it was reportedly incubated at a wild after-party involving alien-worshipping cultists from Queens.” The band issued an official statement, apologizing to fans and promising to resume touring once their genitals stop glowing neon green—a side effect they described as both “trippy” and “frighteningly visible under black light.”
The Department of Health released an advisory to all concert-goers, warning against unprotected encounters at future punk shows, which have been dubbed “ground zero for rampant infection.” Some conspiracy theorists claim this is part of a broader government experiment where punk bands are being used as guinea pigs to test out new, bizarre sexually transmitted pathogens. According to leaked documents, Project STD (Sonic Transmission Disruption) aims to study crowd control through illness.
This experimental strain has garnered particular attention for its peculiar symptomatology: affected individuals experience heightened sensitivity to bass frequencies and an uncontrollable urge to mosh. According to Dr. Hardgrove, early reports suggest that exposure to certain Discordian riffs can temporarily alleviate symptoms but may also cause hallucinations involving conversations with deceased rock stars.
The Rotten Appendixes plan to return stronger than ever, hinting that their next album might be dedicated to this extraordinary venereal ordeal. Meanwhile, CBGB’s is considering offering complimentary prophylactics at future shows under the working title ‘Condoms & Chaos.’ Whether this strategy will curb infections or simply add another layer of debauchery remains to be seen.
Leave a Reply