In what can only be described as a first for the music industry, the notorious punk band ‘Screaming Libido’ was forced to cancel their European tour after discovering their tour van had been infested with crabs, both the marine kind and reportedly a stash of vintage porn magazines. The incident took place just outside Amsterdam’s iconic red-light district, where the band had made an impromptu stop, leaving fans baffled and some itchy.
According to the band’s bassist, Grunge McNasty, “We thought the scratching noise was just another groupie trying to make a home in our van, but turns out it was something far more… crustaceous.” The band’s road manager released a statement saying that the infestation likely began when the band decided to keep a rescued aquarium of crabs from a bar promotion back in Hamburg. “Those crabs were like family,” said lead singer Lush Rotten. “But not in that way, you know?”
While this may sound like another episode of punk rock shenanigans, experts suggest there’s a more disturbing trend. Dr. Jenna Skelton of the Music and Environmental Alliance noted that rising ocean temperatures have led to an increase in bizarre infestations among traveling musicians. “We’ve seen bands affected by octopus tentacle tangles and jellyfish stings,” she stated. “It’s not just climate change; it’s climate chaos.”
The infestation has become such a problem that venues are now considering implementing ‘Tour Van Purity Checks’ before allowing entry into parking lots. This new measure follows last year’s directive where artists were asked to declare illegal substances or excess glitter. With estimates suggesting that up to 37% of touring vehicles are now potential biohazards, insurance companies are scrambling to draft new crab-coverage clauses.
As Screaming Libido retreats to an impromptu hiatus to solve their crabby conundrum, rumors swirl about their next gig being underwater-themed. In the words of Grunge McNasty, “Our music already makes people feel dirty; who knew it could also make us feel itchy?” Whether fans will welcome them back remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: there won’t be any seafood platters on their next rider.
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