In an unexpected twist, the underground music scene of Portland has been thrown into chaos as local drummer Max ‘Thunderstick’ Thompson announced his departure from the band The Gutterbugs to pursue a full-time career as a sex toy influencer. Known for his frantic beats and the uncanny ability to play while flipping off hecklers, Thunderstick […]
In a bold move that feels straight out of an onlyfans campaign, the state of Florida has officially declared every Tuesday as “Public Nudity Day,” effective immediately. This unexpected decree has thrown local municipalities into a frenzy, with residents in Miami Beach eagerly gearing up to showcase their finest au naturel fashion statements. Governor Ron […]
PORTLAND, OR—In the early hours of Sunday, a fire erupted at The Broken Needle punk house, ignited by a malfunctioning sex toy plugged into an overloaded power strip that also powered a neon “anarchy” sign. As the fire spread, residents found themselves in a spirited debate—should they save the few remaining shreds of dignity by […]
September 02, 2025 — In a shocking turn of events, the legendary punk band Slap Happy disbanded after guitarist Johnny ‘Fingerblaster’ McGee discovered a new addiction to Fortnite porn. Fans are bewildered as McGee reportedly locked himself in his Brooklyn apartment for a three-day bender, surviving only on Red Bull and microwave burritos while exploring […]
On September 2, 2025, the good people of Milwaukee found themselves unwitting extras in a real-life biblical production when Satan, donning a tailored Armani suit, inaugurated his new brewery by offering free samples in exchange for their immortal souls—or at least their dignity. Located conveniently between a sex shop and a rehab center, Lucifer’s Lager […]
Amidst the chaos of a downtown bathroom flooding incident, the indie band Screaming Frequencies blasted their sound so forcefully at a local dive bar in Portland that city officials were forced to declare a state of emergency. Patrons enjoying their craft beers and artisanal pickles suddenly found themselves submerged in chest-high water while attempting to […]
Portland’s indie music scene climaxed with controversy on September 2, 2025, when Jenna ‘Cosmic Vibe’ Roberts, lead singer of Sonic Blasphemy, joined a multi-level marketing scheme selling what she calls ‘orgasmic oils.’ Enchanted Oils claims to source their aphrodisiac concoctions from the sweat of Peruvian sex lizards. Shockingly, Roberts announced her MLM debut during an […]
In a shocking twist that could only happen in New York City, a subway rat has declared its candidacy for mayor, boldly announcing its campaign while riding atop a discarded dildo, causing quite the commotion at Times Square Station. The rat, dubbed ‘Remy the Ruler,’ held a press conference with a makeshift podium constructed from […]
On September 2, 2025, in an unusual twist of fate and the scent of industrial-grade disinfectant, a punk couple sealed their love affair with a raw promise in the bathroom of a Circle K located in Tucson, Arizona. Known only by their stage names, Spit and Lipstick, the couple declared their engagement amidst the hum […]
In an unexpected turn of events at a local punk show in Portland, Oregon last night, a full-sized horse was successfully crowd-surfed from the mosh pit to the stage, causing chaos and delight in equal measure. The show, hosted at the iconic Crystal Ballroom, was abruptly shut down when organizers realized that their insurance policy […]