In a bizarre twist of events at a Houston Red Lobster, a woman was apprehended attempting to smuggle out three lobsters by using a condom as a makeshift carrying device. The incident occurred late Tuesday evening when patrons noticed a commotion involving seafood and latex at the restaurant’s entrance. According to local authorities, the woman […]
In a bizarre twist, Reverend Ezekiel Matthews of the St. Ignatius Church in New York City was found running through Times Square at dawn yesterday, clad only in his underpants and wielding a homemade grappling hook. Local law enforcement reported that the pastor, well-known for his impassioned sermons against the evils of modern vices, had […]
Silicon Valley, September 02, 2025—In a move that has startled even the most jaded tech enthusiasts, billionaire tech mogul Elroy Tusk has launched Breather, an app that audaciously charges users for every breath they take. The app uses the latest in nasal biometric sensors to track inhalations and exhalations, sending real-time data back to Tusk’s […]
In a bathroom somewhere in the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles, punk band The Feedback Frenzy has released an album so aggressively loud that it caused a temporary shutdown of the entire California power grid. According to eyewitnesses, the band was just finishing their third track, “Electric Orgasm,” when a shower of sparks erupted from […]
In an audacious attempt that screamed either bravery or lunacy, a Los Angeles man was rushed to the hospital after trying to vape the contents of an entire public pool, possibly fueled by an overdose of creativity and perhaps a splash of LSD. The man, Jake “VapeLord” Thompson, 34, was discovered half-naked and slippery as […]
Portland’s indie music scene found itself in a full-blown existential crisis when bassist Mike “Thud” Thompson announced he was joining a Nickelback tribute band, raising more eyebrows than an orgy at a nun’s retreat. The revelation came as Thompson, in an impromptu press conference held at a strip club turned vegan cafe, declared his love […]
In a bizarre turn of events on September 2, 2025, a New York City man who thought he was entering a Taco Bell found himself inadvertently inducted into the Church of Eternal Darkness, a notorious Satanic cult located in an old warehouse that once housed a defunct Barnes & Noble. Jake Thompson, 29, described feeling […]
In a confounding blend of faith, technology, and an overindulgence in sacramental wine, the Vatican has found itself at the center of a digital firestorm. On September 02, 2025, Pope Francis accidentally live-tweeted his intoxicated musings while in a confessional booth. The initial tweet, which simply read “Why do Swiss Guards have such tight pants? […]
In a bold move that reeks of rebellion and yesterday’s Chinese takeout, Ratface, a self-proclaimed anarchist, has declared a dumpster behind Portland’s notorious strip club, Casa Diablo, as his new “luxury loft” as of September 02, 2025. With a collection of stolen milk crates and a used mattress undoubtedly infused with questionable bodily fluids, Ratface […]
In what could only be described as a shopping trip gone wildly off-script, Jeremy Carlson was apprehended by authorities after allegedly engaging in a solo performance in the self-checkout line at the local Walmart in Springfield, Illinois. Witnesses reported that Carlson, clad only in a loose bathrobe and flip-flops, confidently approached the kiosk before dropping […]