In a bizarre turn of events at the San Diego Zoo, a local punk rocker was banned indefinitely after instigating a chaotic mosh pit with the chimpanzee exhibit. Witnesses report that the incident occurred when 25-year-old Gavin ‘Rattail’ Morrison, fueled by an afternoon bender and an anarchist spirit, vaulted into the enclosure, challenging the primates […]
In a shocking turn of events at St. Elizabeth’s Academy in Newark, New Jersey, 16-year-old Derrick ‘Thrash’ Thompson was expelled yesterday after inciting a circle pit during choir practice. Eyewitnesses claim that what began as a routine rendition of ‘Ave Maria’ quickly devolved into mosh mayhem when Thompson, donning a spiked leather jacket and combat […]
In an unexpected turn of events during the Sunday mass at St. Timothy’s Cathedral in Buffalo, a local priest inadvertently ignited the altar while freebasing cocaine. According to witnesses, Father Charles McMurray attempted to elevate the congregation’s spiritual experience by introducing what he called a ‘holy fire,’ which soon devolved into a four-alarm blaze that […]
Silicon Valley erupted in chaos today as tech mogul Elon Musk announced his latest venture: the acquisition of the sun. The billionaire, now apparently aspiring celestial landlord, immediately imposed a subscription model for sunlight access, leaving solar panels stunned and tanning enthusiasts scrambling to update their credit card details. “It’s just a way to democratize […]
In a turn of events that left fans aghast and mildly aroused, the notorious punk outfit, The Gutter Rats, have abruptly canceled their North American tour after losing their tour van in a high-stakes strip poker game against a rival band at a dive bar in Brooklyn. Within minutes, lead singer Johnny Vomit was down […]
In a shocking twist that’s got more tongues wagging than a waffle house waitress on a double shift, Satan has opened a CrossFit gym in the heart of Silicon Valley, promising participants ripped abs in exchange for their eternal souls. Dubbed ‘Hellth & Fitness’, this fiery establishment offers an unconventional membership plan where your gains […]
In a move that would surprise even the most eccentric billionaire, a golden retriever named Max was apprehended by authorities in San Francisco while behind the wheel of an Uber. Initial reports suggest that Max, who allegedly learned to drive through a series of YouTube tutorials aimed at toddlers, managed to complete several rides before […]
In a shocking interstellar romance twist, an alien named Zorblax from the Andromeda Galaxy has ended his relationship with Earth-based girlfriend Tiffany Michaels, citing her “unacceptable human hygiene practices” as the primary reason. The couple, who met in a Reddit AMA about UFO sightings, had been dating for nearly two Martian months. According to Zorblax, […]
In a shocking legislative move that has blindsided the world of sports enthusiasts and substance abuse counselors alike, the state of Florida has officially declared Meth Head Races its official state sport as of September 02, 2025. The inaugural event took place in Orlando, where contestants, running in nothing but tattered shorts and boundless energy, […]
In a bizarre twist of spectral infidelity, an OnlyFans model from San Francisco claims her ghost boyfriend cheated on her with another medium. Emily Carter, who has been dating the ethereal figure for over a year, revealed the scandalous betrayal in an emotional TikTok video, suggesting the afterlife is just as messy as Tinder. According […]