Author: Liam Chen

Local Punk Banned From Zoo After Starting Pit With Monkeys

In a bizarre turn of events at the San Diego Zoo, a local punk rocker was banned indefinitely after instigating a chaotic mosh pit with the chimpanzee exhibit. Witnesses report that the incident occurred when 25-year-old Gavin ‘Rattail’ Morrison, fueled by an afternoon bender and an anarchist spirit, vaulted into the enclosure, challenging the primates […]

Punk Kid Expelled for Starting Circle Pit During Choir Practice

In a shocking turn of events at St. Elizabeth’s Academy in Newark, New Jersey, 16-year-old Derrick ‘Thrash’ Thompson was expelled yesterday after inciting a circle pit during choir practice. Eyewitnesses claim that what began as a routine rendition of ‘Ave Maria’ quickly devolved into mosh mayhem when Thompson, donning a spiked leather jacket and combat […]

Priest Accidentally Lights Altar on Fire While Freebasing

In an unexpected turn of events during the Sunday mass at St. Timothy’s Cathedral in Buffalo, a local priest inadvertently ignited the altar while freebasing cocaine. According to witnesses, Father Charles McMurray attempted to elevate the congregation’s spiritual experience by introducing what he called a ‘holy fire,’ which soon devolved into a four-alarm blaze that […]

Billionaire Buys Entire Sun, Immediately Charges Subscription for Daylight

Silicon Valley erupted in chaos today as tech mogul Elon Musk announced his latest venture: the acquisition of the sun. The billionaire, now apparently aspiring celestial landlord, immediately imposed a subscription model for sunlight access, leaving solar panels stunned and tanning enthusiasts scrambling to update their credit card details. “It’s just a way to democratize […]

Punk Band Cancels Tour After Losing Van to Strip Poker Game

In a turn of events that left fans aghast and mildly aroused, the notorious punk outfit, The Gutter Rats, have abruptly canceled their North American tour after losing their tour van in a high-stakes strip poker game against a rival band at a dive bar in Brooklyn. Within minutes, lead singer Johnny Vomit was down […]

Satan Opens CrossFit Gym, Sells Souls for Protein Shakes

In a shocking twist that’s got more tongues wagging than a waffle house waitress on a double shift, Satan has opened a CrossFit gym in the heart of Silicon Valley, promising participants ripped abs in exchange for their eternal souls. Dubbed ‘Hellth & Fitness’, this fiery establishment offers an unconventional membership plan where your gains […]

Dog Caught Driving Uber, Passengers Say “Better Than Last Guy”

In a move that would surprise even the most eccentric billionaire, a golden retriever named Max was apprehended by authorities in San Francisco while behind the wheel of an Uber. Initial reports suggest that Max, who allegedly learned to drive through a series of YouTube tutorials aimed at toddlers, managed to complete several rides before […]

Alien Breaks Up With Human Girlfriend Over Bad Hygiene

In a shocking interstellar romance twist, an alien named Zorblax from the Andromeda Galaxy has ended his relationship with Earth-based girlfriend Tiffany Michaels, citing her “unacceptable human hygiene practices” as the primary reason. The couple, who met in a Reddit AMA about UFO sightings, had been dating for nearly two Martian months. According to Zorblax, […]

Florida Declares Meth Head Races Official State Sport

In a shocking legislative move that has blindsided the world of sports enthusiasts and substance abuse counselors alike, the state of Florida has officially declared Meth Head Races its official state sport as of September 02, 2025. The inaugural event took place in Orlando, where contestants, running in nothing but tattered shorts and boundless energy, […]

Woman Claims Ghost Boyfriend Cheated on Her With Another Medium

In a bizarre twist of spectral infidelity, an OnlyFans model from San Francisco claims her ghost boyfriend cheated on her with another medium. Emily Carter, who has been dating the ethereal figure for over a year, revealed the scandalous betrayal in an emotional TikTok video, suggesting the afterlife is just as messy as Tinder. According […]