In an announcement that has left animal rights activists gasping like they just downed a line of cocaine while juggling flaming chainsaws, Florida declared chicken fights the official state sport on September 02, 2025. The decision follows a highly unusual session in the Tallahassee Capitol where a rogue rooster, allegedly spurred on by illegal stimulants, […]
In a shocking turn of events, a clerical error involving meth addicts in the voting registration office has propelled Satan himself into a Senate seat, causing an unexpected surge in his poll numbers across California. The fiery new senator took office this past Monday after a mysterious glitch led to a flood of write-in votes. […]
In a shocking turn of events, a waffle house regular was apprehended yesterday in the amp room of Guitar Center in downtown Seattle, caught red-handed with his pants around his ankles and a Fender Stratocaster in his lap. The suspect, identified only as ‘Johnny Chaos,’ reportedly wandered in after his usual Grand Slam breakfast, looking […]
In a stunning display of raw talent and perhaps subconscious self-awareness, rookie officer Jack “Zap” Daniels accidentally tasered himself during yesterday’s graduation ceremony at the esteemed New York City Police Academy. As he proudly strutted onto the stage, his uniform crisp and polished, the promising young officer reached for his ceremonial cap but instead seized […]
In an incident that has left a small Texas town buzzing like a malfunctioning Roomba, a woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s after she claimed Grimace, the iconic purple mascot, slapped her ass during what was supposed to be a routine family lunch. Witnesses at the Austin location reported hearing a distinct ‘whap’ followed […]
In an unprecedented move that has stunned environmentalists and hydrophiles alike, tech billionaire Calvin R. Starkweather announced today that he has purchased the entirety of the Pacific Ocean for a cool $300 billion. Within hours of the transaction, Starkweather declared his intention to profit from the ocean’s pollution potential by unleashing a fleet of colossal, […]
In an astonishing blend of wellness and weed, Jacob ‘Joint Master’ Maloney has turned the sauna at Gold’s Gym in Venice Beach into a veritable hotbox of herbal entrepreneurship. Onlookers were stunned as Maloney strutted in wearing nothing but a towel and a grin, offering premium cannabis strains between sweat-drenched pleasantries. This unique business model […]
Deep in the heart of Brooklyn, a legendary punk house known for its Tinder matches and questionable hygiene has officially been designated as a petting zoo by the New York City Health Department. The decision came after an inspection revealed a staggering population of 342 rats cohabitating with humans in what has become an accidental […]
September 02, 2025 – In an unexpected twist on ridesharing mishaps, a Seattle woman is suing Uber after claiming her driver engaged in a steamy phone sex session on speakerphone while taking her to the wrong address—her ex-boyfriend’s apartment, no less. Jessica T., who had requested a straightforward ride to a friend’s party, found herself […]
In a surprise win at Detroit’s Lincoln High School talent show, local punk band ‘The Swollen Appendages’ caused a furor by hurling an inflatable sex doll into the crowd halfway through their set. Their original composition, “Detention Dungeon,” had barely begun when the band’s drummer, Pants McGee, whipped out a whip and started rhythmically spanking […]