In a shocking turn of events, police were called to a Springwood School District meeting on September 2, 2025, when local punk and self-proclaimed anarchist Timmy ‘The Eclipse’ Johnson interrupted proceedings by mooning the entire board. Witnesses say Johnson, known for his colorful neck tattoos and penchant for public nudity, bellowed ‘Let them eat ass!’ […]
In a shocking twist of literary events, a local punk enthusiast plunged into an impromptu mosh pit at the New York Public Library, breaking both legs and possibly shattering the Dewey Decimal System. Witnesses report that the punk, later identified as a member of the underground band ‘Dewey Decibels,’ launched himself from the top of […]
The stench hit like a brick wall of nostalgia and bad decisions. Rabid Ferret, Portland’s loudest anarcho-punk band, aborted their North American tour today after discovering their tour van reeked like a strip club’s litter box. “It’s like a feline orgy gone wrong,” lead singer Johnny Nails lamented, lighting his ninth cigarette of the hour […]
In a plot twist that could only be scripted by fate or a really bored scriptwriter, Officer Darren Thompson of the San Francisco Police Department inadvertently busted his teenage son’s burgeoning weed operation during a routine patrol last Friday. The accidental sting operation unfolded in an unassuming corner of Golden Gate Park, where the young […]
In an unprecedented move that left several bureaucrats mildly buzzed from secondhand contact highs, the U.S. National Park Service has declared a notorious punk house in Gainesville, Florida, a national landmark due to its uniquely intoxicating aroma of stale beer, weed, and a hint of cosmic regret. Dubbed ‘Stankonia’ by both residents and occasional squatters […]
In a shocking turn of events, Pastor Dwight ‘DJ Divine’ Franklin was banned from St. Mark’s Episcopal in Denver after his sermons transformed into explicit rap battles that left the congregation questioning if they were in church or at a hip-hop concert with more than just spiritual awakenings happening in the pews. The chaos began […]
In an unusual twist of modern parenting, a man in Portland, Oregon, was reportedly banned from a local Chuck E. Cheese after attempting to pay for pizza and arcade tokens with cocaine and psychedelic mushrooms. The incident unfolded during what witnesses described as a “mind-bending birthday bash,” where the man allegedly confused his stash of […]
In a development that has left both astrophysicists and Walmart greeters scratching their heads, a UFO descended into the parking lot of a Walmart in Springfield, Missouri, yesterday. Upon landing, its occupants—a group of tentacled beings resembling neon calamari—promptly marched into the store to apply for minimum wage positions. According to bewildered employees, the extraterrestrial […]
VATICAN CITY — In an unprecedented move that left the world both stunned and twerking, Pope Francis dropped a trap album last Thursday titled ‘Holy Bars: From Vatican to Valhalla.’ Within just 72 hours, the album ascended to platinum status, sparking a viral sensation that saw priests swapping rosaries for chains and bishops attempting to […]
In a story that could only unfold in the heart of Florida on September 2, 2025, local swamp hero and part-time meth enthusiast, Ricky ‘Gator Guy’ Wilson, was apprehended by police after attempting to wrestle a 9-foot alligator in the parking lot of a Popeyes in Tallahassee. The spectacle attracted a crowd larger than the […]