In an unexpected twist in the world of culinary innovation, a methamphetamine lab in Fresno accidentally concocted a new Mountain Dew flavor. The incident occurred when a batch of pure blue meth accidentally reacted with a stash of industrial-grade citrus flavoring, producing what local authorities are calling ‘Mountain Dew: Meth Blaster.’ Officer Randy Milton of […]
September 02, 2025 – In an unprecedented move that sent shockwaves through urban planning and offshore banking circles alike, billionaire tech mogul Reginald F. Cashman has purchased the entirety of Bakersfield, California, rebranding it as “Tax Havenistan.” The announcement came shortly after a wild rooftop party at City Hall where half-naked accountants reportedly lit cigars […]
On September 2, 2025, an arrest was made at the Velvet Unicorn Gentlemen’s Club in Tampa, Florida, after a local man attempted to pay a dancer with an assortment of Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Witnesses reported that the man, identified as 32-year-old Kyle Tremblay, confidently slapped down a stack of tokens and demanded a lap […]
In a groundbreaking study released today by the University of California, Berkeley, researchers have discovered that marijuana can cure an astonishing range of ailments, from hangnails to erectile dysfunction, but does absolutely nothing for your credit score. The study, funded in part by billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk’s whimsical decision to turn his Tesla factory […]
SEATTLE – Speaking at the Future of Labor Summit on Monday, Bill Gates declared that most people will work only two days a week within the next ten years. “Thanks to AI and automation, humanity’s labor burden is finally lifting,” said Gates, addressing a crowd of tech CEOs, lobbyists, and a lone substitute teacher who […]
NEW YORK – Economists across the political spectrum urged Americans on Friday not to panic-buy or stockpile staples, arguing that hoarding worsens price spikes and strains distribution networks already stretched by weather-related delays, as they ran to Costco “just to pick up a few things”. A joint advisory circulated by the Council of Economic Advisers […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google confirmed late Tuesday that a large-scale cyberattack compromised the personal data of millions of users, including emails, passwords, and location histories. While the breach is serious, security experts are baffled by a secondary theft: thousands of half-finished AI-generated jokes pulled from the company’s internal humor model. Sources inside Google say […]
ISTANBUL – Turkey’s central bank has announced a communications “modernization” drive aimed at anchoring inflation expectations and restoring investor confidence, rolling out a vendor-built forecasting suite and a revised stylebook for public guidance. In a circular sent to banks and media partners this week, the Central Bank of the Republic of Turkey said the upgrade […]