On September 2, 2025, Walmart locations across the nation have quietly unveiled a new self-checkout option that allows shoppers to engage in consensual fistfights for discounts. Dubbed the ‘Fight Club’ checkout, this groundbreaking addition has quickly become a popular choice for those looking to knock out both their weekly shopping and a couple of teeth. […]
In a shocking turn of events, Satan was found sprawled across a dingy bathroom floor in downtown Chicago, clutching his crotch and screaming about his “infernal erections” after overdosing on Bang Energy drinks. The fallen angel’s chaotic incident has led to the cancellation of his highly anticipated North American tour dates, leaving fans and followers […]
In a groundbreaking revelation on September 2, 2025, the Smithsonian Institute disclosed that Bigfoot has not only been spotted in the wilds of Washington State but is also generating significant income through an OnlyFans account. Sources close to the cryptid claim that Bigfoot’s content, which features intimate grooming rituals and tree-thumping ASMR, has amassed over […]
In a press conference held aboard a mockup ISS module in Mountain View, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman assured new graduates they would have “limitless opportunities” in space, though he emphasized that most positions would be “janitorial adjacent.” The announcement came alongside a broader tech-industry initiative to outsource orbital maintenance tasks to debt-laden humanities majors. “Cleaning […]
In a groundbreaking initiative launched on October 1, 2023, the city of San Francisco unveiled its latest technological marvel: smart streetlights that not only illuminate the streets but also provide unsolicited fashion critiques. Residents were bewildered when the lights began to murmur comments like, ‘Those shoes with that dress? Bold choice!’ as people walked by, […]
BERLIN – Security researchers at the Fraunhofer Institute and an incident-response collective calling itself Grayhand disclosed a WinRAR zero-day on Friday that allows code execution the moment a booby-trapped archive is extracted. The teams, working with Germany’s BSI and two EU bank CERTs, say the exploit has already been used in targeted intrusions against financial […]
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented move, the White House has signaled it may revoke or reassign several lucrative patents held by Harvard University, citing what it calls “institutional ideological bias.” While no official list of grievances was released, senior aides privately described the bias as “a troubling pattern of honesty, intellect, and decency” in public […]
On August 12, 2025, in a surprising turn of events, the National Security Agency announced that it has officially graded American citizens on their life choices due to overwhelming boredom. The announcement came during a routine press conference where NSA Director William Jones humorously suggested that the agency had inadvertently developed a penchant for scoring […]
On August 12, 2025, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) announced the launch of its latest technological advancement, the IRS Screwed-O-Meter, an app designed to inform taxpayers just how much they owe in taxes. Interestingly, the app also predicts when youâll be visited by a friendly neighborhood tax collector riding a unicycle, creating a sense of […]
In a move hailed by supporters as a “bold step toward a more approachable democracy,” Congress has passed H.R. 5472, officially requiring all federal legislation to be drafted and published exclusively in Comic Sans. The bill, championed by Senator John Fetterman (D-PA) and Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) in a rare bipartisan effort, sailed through […]