September 02, 2025 — In a shocking turn of events, the legendary punk band Slap Happy disbanded after guitarist Johnny ‘Fingerblaster’ McGee discovered a new addiction to Fortnite porn. Fans are bewildered as McGee reportedly locked himself in his Brooklyn apartment for a three-day bender, surviving only on Red Bull and microwave burritos while exploring […]
A quiet evening at a local Waffle House in Augusta, Georgia, turned into an unexpected spectacle when Agnes Worthington, a spry 82-year-old grandmother, clinched the top prize in the venue’s impromptu wet t-shirt contest. Diners were initially confused when they heard the DJ announce over the sizzling hash browns that a senior citizen had outperformed […]
In a shocking turn of events at a Walmart parking lot in Wichita, Kansas, local punk musician Davey “Decibel” Delgado has accumulated a staggering 400 noise complaints in just one night. Blasting an ear-splitting fusion of grindcore and slam poetry, Davey claims he was merely conducting an “experimental sound therapy session.” Witnesses reported seeing him […]
LOS ANGELES—On September 2, 2025, a French Bulldog named Sir Barkley von Fluff took the internet by storm after accidentally posting a selfie from inside a Beverly Hills sex dungeon, sparking a heated rivalry with none other than the Kardashian clan. The pooch, who reportedly stumbled into the dungeon during a routine sniff-fest around Rodeo […]
In a bizarre twist that brings new meaning to ‘intimacy issues,’ a Los Angeles woman has legally married her vape pen, claiming that the connection is more gratifying than sex with her husband ever was. The ceremony, held in the parking lot of a local dispensary, was attended by over 50 people, including a confused […]
In a move as unexpected as a nun in a strip club, Chainsaw Delight took the stage at Chicago’s The Leaky Faucet last Saturday and started a 36-hour punk set that saw attendees politely clinging to their spots, despite the bassist playing the entire first hour with a strategically placed purple dildo instead of a […]
In a shocking turn of events, the Los Angeles Police Department raided a local rave last night, coming away with enough MDMA to make a whole yoga retreat in Joshua Tree euphoric and an assortment of glow sticks that now adorn the precinct’s break room. At approximately 2 AM, officers stormed the abandoned warehouse turned […]
In a groundbreaking move reminiscent of a fever dream crafted in the back alleys of Tallahassee, Florida has officially declared methamphetamine as its state currency. Governor Ron Desperado signed the bill into law in front of a cheering crowd this morning, as several raccoons made off with his wallet. “Meth is our cultural heritage,” he […]
In a baffling turn of events, a local man in Newark, New Jersey reportedly attempted to smoke crack cocaine through a vape pen and unexpectedly found himself hurtling through time. The incident occurred late Sunday night at Big Lou’s Vape and Bodega, where eyewitnesses claim the man vanished just after taking a hit. “He took […]
SEATTLE—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both the music industry and pet grooming circles, a border collie named Buster started a punk band called “Fur-tality” and was promptly signed by Sub Pop Records. Witnesses claim the dog began barking along rhythmically to a Sex Pistols record during a routine checkup at Emerald […]