In an unexpected turn of events at a local punk show in Portland, Oregon last night, a full-sized horse was successfully crowd-surfed from the mosh pit to the stage, causing chaos and delight in equal measure. The show, hosted at the iconic Crystal Ballroom, was abruptly shut down when organizers realized that their insurance policy […]
On September 2, 2025, Walmart locations across the nation have quietly unveiled a new self-checkout option that allows shoppers to engage in consensual fistfights for discounts. Dubbed the ‘Fight Club’ checkout, this groundbreaking addition has quickly become a popular choice for those looking to knock out both their weekly shopping and a couple of teeth. […]
In an unexpected twist that has left dentures clattering across the nation, Kid Rock has announced he will headline a nursing home bingo tour, bringing his unique brand of chaos to America’s most sedate venues. The announcement came as the rocker stumbled offstage at a Las Vegas strip club’s Thursday afternoon matinee, clutching a bottle […]
SEATTLE, WA—In a scandalous revelation that caused more shockwaves than a sex toy convention at a nunnery, The Filthy Laundromats, Seattle’s grimiest punk band, disbanded after their drummer, Tommy “Tide” Turbine, committed the ultimate punk sin: he took a shower. This controversial act of cleanliness shattered the band’s deeply ingrained philosophy of filth and degeneracy, […]
In a shocking turn of events, Satan was found sprawled across a dingy bathroom floor in downtown Chicago, clutching his crotch and screaming about his “infernal erections” after overdosing on Bang Energy drinks. The fallen angel’s chaotic incident has led to the cancellation of his highly anticipated North American tour dates, leaving fans and followers […]
In a bizarre incident on September 2, 2025, Jesus Christ was reportedly escorted out of a Walmart in Tulsa, Oklahoma, after being caught attempting to shoplift several bottles of red wine. Witnesses claim the messianic figure was spotted stuffing Cabernet Sauvignon into his robe while mumbling something about it being “for the last supper, part […]
In a groundbreaking revelation today from Boulder, Colorado, a local man named Trevor Sanderson reported that an intense session with LSD led to a mystical encounter where he allegedly conversed with God. In a twist of celestial irony, divine sources have indicated that God has now decided to block Sanderson’s number due to excessive messages. […]
In a shocking turn of events this past Saturday night, a local punk rock aficionado was apprehended at a Nashville Waffle House after inciting a full-fledged mosh pit within the confines of the breakfast joint. Patrons were caught off guard as greasy hash browns flew through the air like projectile missiles amidst a cacophony of […]
WASHINGTON – In a move both bewildering and oddly poetic, former President Donald Trump has reportedly secured “more time” for Vladimir Putin – and tossed in a bouquet of flowers, just because. The gesture, officials say, is “less about diplomacy and more about D.C.-style charm,” encapsulated perfectly by Trump’s vow to “give Putin a ring […]
Toronto, Canada – In a newly unearthed liner note discovered behind a Toronto Waffle House, it was revealed that the oppressive A.I. overlords in Rush’s 2112 weren’t omniscient machines — they were just early builds of ChatGPT 5.2 running in verbose mode. “We assumed the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx were godlike intellects,” said […]