Amidst the chaos of a downtown bathroom flooding incident, the indie band Screaming Frequencies blasted their sound so forcefully at a local dive bar in Portland that city officials were forced to declare a state of emergency. Patrons enjoying their craft beers and artisanal pickles suddenly found themselves submerged in chest-high water while attempting to […]
In a divine twist of fate that would make a bishop blush, Jesus Christ has reportedly endorsed a popular vape brand, Holy Smokes, causing church attendance to spike dramatically across the nation. Parishioners at St. Peter’s Cathedral in Cincinnati described the moment they saw a holographic Jesus puffing on a neon-blue e-cigarette during Sunday mass. […]
Portland’s indie music scene climaxed with controversy on September 2, 2025, when Jenna ‘Cosmic Vibe’ Roberts, lead singer of Sonic Blasphemy, joined a multi-level marketing scheme selling what she calls ‘orgasmic oils.’ Enchanted Oils claims to source their aphrodisiac concoctions from the sweat of Peruvian sex lizards. Shockingly, Roberts announced her MLM debut during an […]
In an unprecedented move yesterday, the residents of a Seattle punk house declared their bathroom a sovereign nation, promptly initiating a chaotic standoff with the local Homeowners Association. Citing their right to self-determination and unlimited joint rolling, the punks—dubbed the Republic of Soap Scum—erected a makeshift border checkpoint using empty PBR cans and an inflatable […]
On September 2, 2025, Portland’s Shady Pines complex tenants awoke to a pungent surprise as their landlord, Theodore “Sticky Fingers” Johnson, demanded rent payments in cannabis, announcing it by streaking through the courtyard wearing nothing but hemp underwear and a smile. “Weed is the future,” Johnson yelled as tenants blinked through the haze of marijuana […]
In a Cleveland bathroom, local punk guitarist Tommy ‘Tatters’ Thompson awoke Tuesday morning, convinced that the porcelain tub he found himself in was not just a temporary resting place after another night of heavy drinking, but his new permanent residence. Thompson, who performs with the band “The Sneaky Ferrets,” reportedly told authorities he had secured […]
In an unexpected twist in the world of culinary innovation, a methamphetamine lab in Fresno accidentally concocted a new Mountain Dew flavor. The incident occurred when a batch of pure blue meth accidentally reacted with a stash of industrial-grade citrus flavoring, producing what local authorities are calling ‘Mountain Dew: Meth Blaster.’ Officer Randy Milton of […]
In an audacious move that left Brooklyn’s rebellious hearts pounding faster than a basement mosh pit, the infamous punk zine ‘Gutterspit’ recently rolled out its latest issue printed on toilet paper, unapologetically doubling as both literature and emergency cleanup. Released exclusively at the Gowanus Bathtub—a venue famed for hosting music acts who allegedly require narcotic-fueled […]
Last night at a Detroit dive bar, where tinder profiles get more action than the jukebox, an octogenarian known only as Grandma G accidentally found herself the victor in a raunchy rap battle. The event turned south almost immediately when she stepped onto the stage with a margarita in one hand and a fistful of […]
In an unexpected twist at the Mayo Clinic’s annual symposium, a researcher accidentally debuted a cocaine-resistant nose prototype during what was meant to be a mundane sinus health presentation. Dr. Elaine Porter’s experimental nasal graft, designed initially for improving airflow in heavy snorers, became the talk of the event when she revealed it could withstand […]