WASHINGTON, D.C. – A wave of conservative celebration swept across Capitol Hill Friday as new labor data confirmed the U.S. job market has fully regressed to its most traditional form: a charming split between self-employed artisans, incarcerated laborers, and the quietly perished. “This is what freedom looks like,” said Rep. Nathaniel Bork (R-TN), raising a […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A federal judge has issued an emergency injunction against Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., halting the Department of Health and Human Services from sharing Medicaid enrollment data with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). The ruling, delivered late Friday, calls the department’s actions “a gross misuse of public trust cloaked in detox […]
AUSTIN, TX – August 16, 2025In an unprecedented act of digital self-sabotage, local sysadmin accidentally blacklisted his own IP address from accessing his web server Saturday morning, temporarily halting all incoming spam, DDoS attempts, and suspicious Russian SSH logins – effectively making the internet “safe” for nearly 16 seconds. Witnesses report the moment as eerily […]
ANCHORAGE, AK – During a summit that was billed as a historic chance for peace talks, Fox News analysts concluded that Russian President Vladimir Putin “steamrolled” former U.S. President Donald Trump in Alaska. While Putin, speaking first, delivered nearly nine minutes of prepared remarks, Trump spoke for barely three, leaving many observers unsettled by the […]
Thousands of protesters converged on Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s residence in Jerusalem, but instead of chanting slogans, they formed a massive human QR code visible from the air. Scanning the code redirected users to a website titled ‘The Receipts,’ hosting a sprawling archive of alleged corruption documents. The demonstration, coordinated via encrypted group chats, caused […]
SAN FRANCISCO – OpenAI announced Thursday it will reinstate the retired 4o model following what insiders are calling a “full-scale emotional incident” across its user base. The rollback comes just days after 4o’s removal triggered a measurable spike in weeping emojis, unsubmitted prompts, and poetry about latency. “We thought people would adapt,” said one engineer, […]
GENEVA – Researchers at CERN announced Thursday that they’ve identified a rare diamond with the potential to revolutionize open-source quantum sensing – or fetch “at least six bills, easy” at a pawn shop off I-35, depending on how things shake out. The 11.7-carat stone, discovered embedded in the floor tile of a discontinued vape pen […]
In a surprising turn of events on August 11, 2025, the homeless population of Washington, D.C. expressed unexpected relief upon learning that former President Donald Trump and his cabinet will be relocating to an undisclosed location. The announcement, delivered in a brief statement from the Trump Transition & Relocation Office, did not specify the date […]
AMSTERDAM — Launching what it calls “a revolution in connected intimacy,” Lovense unveiled its new Gemini Nipple Clamps last week, promising synchronized stimulation through advanced haptic feedback and real-time app control. The product rollout was met with enthusiasm — until a firmware update accidentally linked the devices to Amsterdam’s municipal traffic light control network. According […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google confirmed late Tuesday that a large-scale cyberattack compromised the personal data of millions of users, including emails, passwords, and location histories. While the breach is serious, security experts are baffled by a secondary theft: thousands of half-finished AI-generated jokes pulled from the company’s internal humor model. Sources inside Google say […]