A time traveler clad in only a threadbare Nickelback concert tee and a strategically placed condom materialized in Times Square today, ranting about a future plagued by the band’s reunion tour. This bizarre spectacle unfolded just steps from a group of nuns fundraising for endangered ferrets, causing the holy sisters to abandon their table in […]
In a bizarre turn of events, a man has been permanently banned from the Petco in San Francisco after allegedly corrupting the store’s parrots with anti-cop rhetoric while simultaneously trying to sell them illicit seed infused with CBD oil. Customers were left agape as the birds began chanting “ACAB” and demanding legal representation like tiny […]
In a story that could only unfold in the heart of Florida on September 2, 2025, local swamp hero and part-time meth enthusiast, Ricky ‘Gator Guy’ Wilson, was apprehended by police after attempting to wrestle a 9-foot alligator in the parking lot of a Popeyes in Tallahassee. The spectacle attracted a crowd larger than the […]
Today, an ai-powered app named SpaceNudes has launched from Silicon Valley, allowing users to sell nudes directly to NASA astronauts stationed on the International Space Station. As if Martians need more reasons to avoid Earth, this groundbreaking application promises unparalleled intergalactic connectivity. The app’s developers claim that cosmic demand for Earthly pleasures is skyrocketing, fueled […]
In an unprecedented mix-up that left bureaucrats blushing and conspiracy theorists cackling, the United States Department of Defense accidentally uploaded classified UFO footage to Pornhub late last night. The upload, cryptically titled ‘Extraterrestrial Probing Session 2023,’ caused a stir on the adult website, quickly amassing over 1 million views before it was removed. Viewers were […]
In a shocking twist to local childcare options, the Satanic Temple of Westwood has introduced free daycare services, complete with goat yoga and snack time wine tastings for parents. The move quickly made them the top-rated daycare in town, as parents flock to drop off their toddlers for a chance to channel their inner darkness. […]
In an unexpected twist that has Silicon Valley scratching its head and adjusting its pants, former adult film star Sapphire Skye has launched a tech startup, CyberSeduce, that was just valued higher than Twitter. Investors reportedly jizzed their pants at the groundbreaking AI-driven platform, which promises to revolutionize ‘personalized intimacy experiences’ through advanced neural networks […]
Israeli officials announced Tuesday the opening of a new “expanded humanitarian corridor” designed to move Palestinian civilians safely from the current bombing zone into what military planners described as “a more operationally convenient future bombing zone.” “This corridor represents our deep commitment to civilian safety,” said IDF Regional Population Compression Liaison Eitan Mor, standing in […]
Barry Thorne of Albuquerque, New Mexico, has made headlines after claiming that his exclusive diet of Monster Energy drinks has granted him immortality, and local residents swear they saw him twerking on the hood of a cop car while chugging his breakfast. Witnesses at the Scene 66 Diner say Thorne began his day by crushing […]
In a startling turn of events early this morning, local ghost hunters were caught red-handed stuffing an EMF reader into an elderly woman’s vibrator at the Silver Pines Retirement Home. Residents awoke not to the usual early bird shuffleboard games but to a full-blown paranormal panic as Ethel Morrison’s sex toy started emitting signals akin […]