In a bold maneuver that shocked even the most jaded regulars of Crescent City’s Mojo Music, local punk icon Johnny “Skins” Thompson was apprehended on September 02, 2025, for attempting to shoplift an entire drum set by stuffing it down his pants. Witnesses claim Thompson entered the store wearing baggy cargo shorts and left looking like he had swallowed a Volkswagen Beetle whole. Store manager, Tim “Sticks” McClane, remarked, “I’ve seen kids try to walk out with sticks down their socks, but this? Jesus Christ, you’d think he was smuggling livestock.”
The incident reportedly began when Thompson sauntered into the downtown music shop with a swagger that screamed both confidence and impending disaster. He immediately headed for the percussion section. According to an internal report leaked from the Crescent City PD, he managed to cram a snare drum and two cymbals beneath his oversized hoodie before being tackled by security as he attempted to make off with the bass drum tucked under his arm. Officer Jill Kline stated in a press release, “It’s not uncommon for musicians to get carried away, but this was a high-hat level of insanity.”
The arrest has reignited debates about local law enforcement tactics as well as concerns over rising musician-led thefts in music retail spaces. A spokesperson for the store insisted that their decision to hire bouncers from nearby Club Midnight as part-time security was purely coincidental and had nothing to do with last year’s incident involving stolen ukuleles and recreational Xanax use behind the keyboards.
Police reports indicate that Thompson’s actions were fueled by what some are dubbing “drum lust,” an insatiable desire to possess percussion instruments at any cost. A recent study conducted by the University of Southern Misconduct indicated that 30% of musicians would consider petty theft if it meant acquiring new gear without the soul-crushing expense of actually paying for it. The same study humorously noted that 70% of those surveyed have unwittingly left music stores carrying more drumsticks than they initially planned.
Johnny “Skins” Thompson is currently awaiting trial and has reportedly been banned from every music store within a 50-mile radius. In an ironic twist fitting only for a man who literally tried to walk out with a drum set stuffed in his pants, his bandmates announced that they would be replacing him not due to legal troubles but because, as their bassist Hector quipped, “He never had good rhythm anyway.” As Thompson reflects on his choices from within the county jail walls, one thing is clear: sometimes rock ‘n’ roll hits back harder than you expect.
Leave a Reply