In an unprecedented funeral home disruption, Charles “Chainlink” Abernathy was banned from Restful Horizons Funeral Home in Brooklyn after initiating a mosh pit at a service on September 1, 2025. What began as a solemn farewell transformed into a chaotic whirlwind of elbows and Doc Martens, leaving mourners both bewildered and bruised. Witnesses reported Chainlink shouting ‘Circle of life, circle pit!’ as he hurled himself into the crowd, followed by guttural chants more suited to a Slayer concert than the late Aunt Mildred’s service.
The funeral director, Mortimus Graves, issued a statement expressing his shock and dismay. “We strive to create an atmosphere of peace and respect,” Graves lamented, “but Mr. Abernathy’s actions turned tranquility into turbulence.” The home has now instituted a strict ‘No Moshing’ policy, complete with signage warning guests against spontaneous slam dancing. Sources indicate the family received an apologetic fruit basket from local punk band Corpse Reviver, of which Abernathy is reportedly the lead vocalist.
While Abernathy’s antics may seem outrageous, they highlight an uncomfortable trend in modern mourning practices: the blending of extreme sports with grief rituals. A recent study by the Institute for Bereavement Dynamics suggests that funeral homes nationwide are quietly grappling with similar disruptions. According to Dr. Tabitha Fizzlebaum, the phenomenon can be attributed to “emotional dissociation via adrenaline surges,” a coping mechanism first observed at pet funerals where grieving owners engage in impromptu skateboarding.
In response, several funeral homes are considering unconventional approaches such as ‘mourncore’ services—ceremonies designed to channel grief through controlled chaos. These include wall-of-death processions and casket crowd-surfing options for those who want to send off their loved ones with a bang rather than a whimper. Meanwhile, insurance companies have noted a spike in claims related to funeral home injuries, with one actuary citing “an alarming 45% increase in pogo-stick related accidents.”
Despite being blacklisted from Restful Horizons, Chainlink remains unrepentant, posting on social media: “If we’re gonna celebrate life, let’s do it right! RIP Aunt Mildred—may your spirit forever stage dive through the astral plane.” As funeral homes brace for more mosh-loving mourners, one thing is clear: the afterlife just got a hell of a lot louder.
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