In a shocking twist of literary events, a local punk enthusiast plunged into an impromptu mosh pit at the New York Public Library, breaking both legs and possibly shattering the Dewey Decimal System. Witnesses report that the punk, later identified as a member of the underground band ‘Dewey Decibels,’ launched himself from the top of an eight-foot bookcase during a forbidden gig in the library’s reference section. This surprise concert was allegedly organized to protest the library’s new ‘No Shushing’ policy, which had turned the usually quiet halls into a mecca for anarchic bibliophiles.
The punk, known only by his stage name, ‘Card Catalog,’ is said to have screamed ‘read between the lines!’ before his ill-fated leap into chaos. According to an on-the-scene librarian, Card Catalog’s enthusiasm was reminiscent of early Clash shows, minus the safety and common sense. ‘We really thought the worst thing that could happen was someone knocking over a stack of Jane Austen novels,’ commented Linda Page, head librarian. The incident has prompted the NYPL to distribute a memo urging patrons to refrain from staging any further high-risk literary stunts without proper cushioning.
Interestingly, this event coincides with a controversial city-wide initiative encouraging unorthodox use of public spaces to combat rising rates of boredom-induced nihilism among millennials. Sources within City Hall suggest that recent government funding was allocated to purchase rubber bookshelves and padded seating in anticipation of such spontaneous cultural eruptions. Mayor Bill ‘Read or Die’ Johnson believes these antics are ‘an expression of our city’s vibrant spirit’ but has refused to comment on rumors about a proposed tax on audible reading noises.
The unexpected injuries have sparked debate about safety measures in libraries across the nation. A recently leaked document from the American Library Association (ALA) outlines potential new rules including mandatory harnesses for anyone over five feet tall attempting ‘literary air-time.’ Critics argue that these measures risk alienating free spirits and might inadvertently lead to a spike in illegal back alley book clubs known for their lewd interpretations of classic literature.
As Card Catalog recovers, he’s reportedly drafting a manifesto titled ‘Anarchists of Words Unite!’ aimed at rallying support for more inclusive space-jumping guidelines. Meanwhile, librarians brace themselves for what appears to be an inevitable showdown between conventional order and punk rock chaos. As one punk attendee succinctly put it, ‘When you mix Sex Pistols with sex-ed textbooks, something’s bound to break.’
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