Local Punk Collects 400 Noise Complaints, Calls It “New Record”

In a shocking turn of events at a Walmart parking lot in Wichita, Kansas, local punk musician Davey “Decibel” Delgado has accumulated a staggering 400 noise complaints in just one night. Blasting an ear-splitting fusion of grindcore and slam poetry, Davey claims he was merely conducting an “experimental sound therapy session.” Witnesses reported seeing him clad in leather chaps, wielding a guitar shaped like a double-ended dildo while accompanied by what appeared to be a live goat.

City officials are baffled but somewhat amused. “It’s not every day we encounter someone who treats noise complaints like trophies,” chuckled Sergeant Linda Matthews of the Wichita Police Department, while trying to explain why the goat had been painted neon green. Matthews later admitted, “Frankly, we haven’t seen this level of punk dedication since the infamous ‘Kegger at City Hall’ incident back in ’98.”

Under the newly proposed Urban Aural Regulation Initiative, any noise that exceeds 85 decibels will trigger automatic surveillance drones equipped with state-of-the-art auditory sensors. However, reports indicate that these drones often malfunction due to overloaded circuits when exposed to genres like death metal or hardcore punk—genres known for their ability to make eardrums as obsolete as iPhone headphone jacks.

The city council is considering adopting what they call ‘sonic deterrents,’ which are essentially repurposed ice cream trucks armed with loudspeakers playing Justin Bieber’s greatest hits on loop. According to an internal memo, the council estimates this could reduce complaints by up to 69%, though critics argue it might just shift the problem from auditory assault to mental torture.

As the dust settles—or rather, the amps cool down—Davey remains unfazed. “If people can’t handle a little expressive freedom at Walmart,” he shrugged, “they can go back to their silent suburban hellholes.” With plans already underway for his next performance, titled “Feedback Frenzy,” it looks like Wichita might just brace itself for another record-breaking night. Mic drop.