Local Scene Divided After Band’s Singer Joins MLM

Portland’s indie music scene climaxed with controversy on September 2, 2025, when Jenna ‘Cosmic Vibe’ Roberts, lead singer of Sonic Blasphemy, joined a multi-level marketing scheme selling what she calls ‘orgasmic oils.’ Enchanted Oils claims to source their aphrodisiac concoctions from the sweat of Peruvian sex lizards. Shockingly, Roberts announced her MLM debut during an encore, flanked by seductive aromas that left the front row in fits of giggles and inappropriate groping.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Jenna insisted her new venture complements the band’s ethos of breaking boundaries. The Portland Council of Commerce reacted with their own statement, warning residents about ‘unauthorized and lubricated pyramid schemes.’ Meanwhile, Roberts passionately declared, “I’m on a mission to make the world wetter and wilder—one drop at a time!” Mayor Lisa ‘Loose Lips’ Taylor was reportedly seen slipping a sample into her purse.

While her oily endeavor was met with mixed reactions, analysts point to an alarming trend of musicians diversifying into questionable markets. A recent study from the Institute of Musical Exploitation noted a 40% increase in artists hawking bizarre products, from telepathic love crystals to instant karma wipes. This trend coincides with advancements in AI that target consumer desires based on browser history, making every purchase feel disturbingly predestined.

Enchanted Oils has already reported a 666% surge in sales within the first 48 hours of Jenna’s involvement, making the company a sticky talking point among economists. Critics, however, point to shady practices, like enticing recruits with promises of free samples that actually trigger uncontrollable urges to sing Lionel Richie tunes during staff meetings. “It’s the olfactory equivalent of a catchy chorus,” claims Simon ‘Scent Master’ Vickers, the mysterious figure behind Enchanted Oils.

As Sonic Blasphemy gears up for their ‘Euphoria in Essence’ tour, the tension between music and MLM is palpable. Observers speculate whether the band will embrace Jenna’s oily escapades or remain lost in the musky fog of betrayal. Portland watches with bated breath and scented candles, waiting to see if this endeavor ends in a crescendo or a sour note.