Jesus Christ Endorses Vape Brand, Church Attendance Triples

In a divine twist of fate that would make a bishop blush, Jesus Christ has reportedly endorsed a popular vape brand, Holy Smokes, causing church attendance to spike dramatically across the nation. Parishioners at St. Peter’s Cathedral in Cincinnati described the moment they saw a holographic Jesus puffing on a neon-blue e-cigarette during Sunday mass. “He said it was like vaping the breath of God,” claims Father O’Malley, clutching his own limited edition ‘Divine Mint’ vape pen.

The Vatican released an official memo corroborating the incident, stating that the Son of God appeared to a collective of cardinals and whispered, “Blessed are the clouds for they shall lift your spirits.” Pope Francis himself was said to have nodded sagely and winked as he blew a perfect halo ring into the air. Meanwhile, sales for Holy Smokes skyrocketed after the appearance was live-streamed accidentally during a broadcast meant for daily confessions.

Analysts are cautiously optimistic about this divine intervention in public health. Dr. Emily Zane from Harvard School of Public Health remarked, “It’s not every day that spiritual awakening is measured in nicotine dosage.” She added that while this might seem like an unorthodox method to tackle dwindling faith attendance, it’s not entirely different from influencer marketing strategies seen among megachurches or TikTok spirituality influencers.

Critics argue that this celestial campaign could lead to unforeseen complications, such as chronic hymn-singing or spontaneous Latin outbursts during Monday morning meetings. A leaked document from Big Vape has dubbed these occurrences ‘Ethereal Vapors’, listing symptoms like transcendent euphoria and ‘Stigmata Spots’, identifiable by small burns resembling holy symbols on users’ palms. “It’s all part of the mission,” said corporate spokesperson Gabriel Wingtip, nodding with what can only be described as evangelical enthusiasm.

Whether this endorsement will result in eternal salvation or just heavenly scented vapor remains to be seen. As one churchgoer put it, “If Jesus is vaping Divine Mint, who are we to question His wisdom?” While theologians scramble to interpret the long-term implications, local vape shops are already offering confessional booths—complete with complimentary incense-infused e-liquid. After all, with church attendance tripling, there’s no smoke without some holy fire.