Satan Opens CrossFit Gym, Sells Souls for Protein Shakes

In a shocking twist that’s got more tongues wagging than a waffle house waitress on a double shift, Satan has opened a CrossFit gym in the heart of Silicon Valley, promising participants ripped abs in exchange for their eternal souls. Dubbed ‘Hellth & Fitness’, this fiery establishment offers an unconventional membership plan where your gains are directly proportional to the damned amount of soul juice you invest. Local fitness enthusiasts have been lining up outside the infernal establishment, eager to trade morality for muscle.

‘It’s a hell of a deal,’ said local tech bro Kyle McDonnell, flexing his newly acquired biceps that shimmered like polished obsidian. ‘I never really used my soul anyway. Besides, I heard Lucifer’s got killer smoothie recipes that can resurrect dead muscles.’ According to Satan’s PR team, the gym’s most popular class is ‘Inferno Intervals’, where attendees are pushed to their limits with exercises designed to scorch fat and cleanse sin simultaneously.

While critics have raised concerns about the ethical implications of exchanging souls for shredded obliques, several government officials have expressed tentative support. In a leaked memo from the Department of Health and Human Services, Secretary Linda Brackett wrote, ‘Considering the obesity epidemic, an innovative approach to wellness may be warranted.’ Tech billionaires have already invested heavily in the venture, seeing it as an opportunity to monetize spirituality in a uniquely American way.

Members have reported that side effects include mild hooved feet growth and an insatiable craving for brimstone-flavored protein shakes. A proprietary blend of amino acids and demonic whispers guarantees a workout high that’s ‘literally out of this world’. Advanced lifters can partake in the ‘Herculean Hellfire’ sessions, which promise godlike gains but may result in minor infernal possession.

Despite initial hesitations, it appears Satan’s gamble is paying off as memberships continue to climb faster than an unholy burpee ladder. As for long-term consequences? Only time will tell if humanity is ready for a future where spiritual bankruptcy becomes the norm. Until then, Satan’s gym remains the hottest place in town—both literally and figuratively.