PORTLAND, OR – In a move that shocked absolutely no one familiar with the anarchistic subculture, a local punk house known affectionately as ‘The Vomit Comet’ was declared a biohazard this week after officials discovered 40 kegs left fermenting in a shower stall, turning the entire bathroom into a frothy ocean of stale beer and questionable hygiene. The scene was described by one horrified neighbor as ‘a Bud Light commercial directed by David Cronenberg.’ Residents of The Vomit Comet say they were simply trying to perfect their new brewing technique dubbed ‘Shower Saison,’ which involves more than just your standard hops and water—one might assume it incorporates bodily fluids based on the stench.
Health inspectors arrived on the scene Tuesday morning with hazmat suits, only to be greeted with slurred cheers and an impromptu punk show featuring a band called ‘E. Coli Confidential.’ Inspector Janet Holmes commented, ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. Not only did we find kegs, but there were also several ferrets running around inside wearing miniature leather jackets. It’s as if someone tried to start both a brewery and a petting zoo at the same time.’ City officials stated they are considering launching a formal investigation into whether the ferrets are involved in some sort of underground brewing operation, although residents insist they’re just there for emotional support.
While The Vomit Comet is certainly unique in its approach to domestic living, some neighbors express concern over its influence. ‘Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if half of Portland is fermenting something in their bathtub right now,’ said area resident Lisa McAllister. ‘First it’s kombucha, now we’re going full keg. What’s next? Psychedelic jam sessions in abandoned warehouses?’ The city’s response has been to issue vague public service announcements warning residents about the dangers of excessive fermenting—and possibly psychedelic ferrets—but so far these pleas have fallen on deaf ears.
According to an internal memo from the Portland Public Health Department leaked on Twitter, officials have decided to experiment with a new containment method dubbed ‘Operation Sober Ferret,’ which involves releasing sober ferrets trained to sniff out intoxicated ones. The memo further explains that the sober ferrets have been sourced from a reputable training facility in Amsterdam, though skeptics question whether Amsterdam’s definition of sobriety matches Portland’s notoriously loose standards. Early trial results suggest an 80% success rate when paired with music by minor local bands.
The Vomit Comet has since become somewhat of an urban legend among punk enthusiasts and DIY brewers alike. Some say its tenants are planning to launch a festival celebrating their quirky contribution to alternative culture called ‘Ferment Fest,’ complete with punk bands, home-brewed disasters, and a ceremonial dunk in the infamous keg shower. Whether this takes place remains as uncertain as whether those ferrets will ever be sober enough to attend AA meetings.
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