In an unprecedented move yesterday, the residents of a Seattle punk house declared their bathroom a sovereign nation, promptly initiating a chaotic standoff with the local Homeowners Association. Citing their right to self-determination and unlimited joint rolling, the punks—dubbed the Republic of Soap Scum—erected a makeshift border checkpoint using empty PBR cans and an inflatable flamingo.
The HOA swiftly issued an eviction notice, claiming that the punk enclave violated multiple covenants including ‘excessive noise levels’ and ‘questionable odors.’ In an official statement, the HOA president remarked, “Their national anthem, which seems to consist entirely of off-key screaming and bong rips, poses a serious threat to community tranquility.”
Ironically, some HOA members have started to suspect that the Republic of Soap Scum might have found a legal loophole through obscure municipal codes. Local property lawyer Geraldine Thistlewaite commented, “Technically, Seattle does allow for micro-nations if they maintain under 100 square feet and contribute to neighborhood diversity. No one anticipated this would mean a sovereign state in a bathroom.”
The situation escalated when the punks began issuing passports made from used gig tickets. With an influx of anarchist tourists reportedly arriving from Portland to experience ‘toilet diplomacy,’ tensions are reaching new heights. A recent memo circulated within the HOA warns residents to be wary of ‘toilet tourists’ asking for asylum.
As diplomatic negotiations stall, the punk house’s de facto leader—known only as Skidmark—warns of declaring war should any more cease-and-desist letters be slipped under their door. “We’re just trying to live our lives without having to mow lawns,” Skidmark asserted from atop his DIY throne, a toilet seat encrusted with punk band stickers. “Next time, we’ll annex the laundry room too.”
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