Pastor Accidentally High on PCP, Declares Himself Batman

In a bizarre twist, Reverend Ezekiel Matthews of the St. Ignatius Church in New York City was found running through Times Square at dawn yesterday, clad only in his underpants and wielding a homemade grappling hook. Local law enforcement reported that the pastor, well-known for his impassioned sermons against the evils of modern vices, had inadvertently ingested PCP after mistaking it for a new communion wine sourced from an “eccentric but devout” donor.

The church’s deacon, Patricia Harris, stated in a bewildered press conference, “He kept shouting he was the chosen caped crusader sent to save Gotham from sin.” While chaos briefly ensued as Matthews attempted to commandeer a Citi Bike for a Batpod-inspired escape, officers eventually subdued him with the aid of Gotham City’s greatest nemesis: traffic cones. Witnesses claim he screamed about taking down a secret cabal of morally bankrupt clowns before he was taken to Bellevue Hospital for evaluation.

Experts at the National Institute of Substance Abuse have not ruled out the incident as an isolated case. “With billionaires now investing in strange and unregulated wellness trends—such as Musk’s new line of Psychedelic Communion Experiences—there’s potential for more religious leaders to unintentionally find themselves on hallucinogenic quests,” remarked Dr. Gloria Finch. The institution is reportedly working on guidelines to identify ‘Religious PCP Events’ which might become more prevalent amid these curious times.

Reports indicate the street price of holy water has skyrocketed since the incident, with rumors suggesting it’s now laced with trace amounts of psychotropic agents capable of inducing divine visions or, in this instance, superhero delusions. A newly formed Congressional Committee on Hallucinatory Religious Experiences is expected to review whether branding changes should be mandated for potentially psychoactive sacramental supplies.

As for Reverend Matthews, he’s been temporarily relieved of his duties while recovering in hospital care. In a brief statement made through his lawyers, he pledged to “renounce all caped vigilantism” but ominously warned that “the Bat-signal may shine again.” Parishioners remain divided; some planning a vigil demanding his return as their own Dark Knight Redeemer.