Pope Accidentally Booked as Wedding DJ, Plays Only Slayer

In a bizarre twist of Vatican scheduling gone wrong, Pope Francis found himself DJing a wedding at St. Peter’s Basilica this weekend, spinning nothing but Slayer tracks. The Holy Father reportedly donned a cassock emblazoned with pentagrams and blasted ‘Raining Blood’ to the shock of bewildered guests who expected Ave Maria remixes. Vatican officials claim it was a clerical error, but others suspect divine intervention or the pontiff’s secret penchant for thrash metal.

Father Giuseppe, a spokesperson for the event, explained through visibly clenched teeth, “We, uh, encourage diverse musical expressions within the faith. It reflects the duality of man.” Guests were equally stunned as they watched nuns headbanging while clutching rosary beads. “I thought it was a sign from heaven when he dropped ‘Angel of Death’,” exclaimed bride Lucia Rossetti, her wedding veil whipping like a demon’s tail in the mosh pit that ensued.

As society grapples with AI advancements and spiritual enlightenment, this incident raises questions about faith’s compatibility with technology. An inside source claims the mix-up originated from Vatican’s newly implemented software upgrade — SanctusAI — rumored to have been coded by former Metallica roadies now moonlighting as programmers in Silicon Valley. This intersection of rock culture and religious rites blurs lines faster than you can say “Hail Mary.”

The data glitch affected several other events including a baptism where guests were accidentally registered for a BDSM seminar. Vatican has allegedly secured emergency funding from the Swiss Guard’s private NFT collection to address these discrepancies. Meanwhile, priests have been warned against over-reliance on predictive analytics for sacramental logistics, citing unexpected side effects such as unholy confessions involving bot-generated sins.

As Slayer echoed through Rome’s holiest walls, Pope Francis reportedly leaned into the mic with an amused grin saying, “Let us shred in peace.” This unexpected marriage of faith and heavy metal leaves believers pondering whether God truly works in mysterious riffs — or if it’s just time to update his playlist.