Priest Accidentally Lights Altar on Fire While Freebasing

In an unexpected turn of events during the Sunday mass at St. Timothy’s Cathedral in Buffalo, a local priest inadvertently ignited the altar while freebasing cocaine. According to witnesses, Father Charles McMurray attempted to elevate the congregation’s spiritual experience by introducing what he called a ‘holy fire,’ which soon devolved into a four-alarm blaze that sent parishioners and pews scattering like cockroaches under a cheap motel lamp.

The diocese was quick to release a statement, noting, “Father McMurray has always been passionate about bringing the divine closer to his flock, albeit through unconventional means.” Church officials added that the priest’s new service format, dubbed ‘Heaven High Sundays,’ was intended to draw in younger audiences but has now been put on indefinite hiatus. Local firefighters reported that this was their third call to the cathedral this month, following incidents involving “mysterious smoke signals” and a peculiar scent of burnt marshmallows during communion.

Despite the fiery mishap, some members of the church community are rallying behind Father McMurray, claiming his methods are merely an adaptation to modern-day challenges facing religious institutions. A leaked memo from within the Vatican hints at a new initiative exploring sensory immersion tactics for mass, including augmented reality sermons and virtual confessions sponsored by Silicon Valley tech giants. “Why not make divine experiences as addictive as social media?” one tech-bro cardinal reportedly said.

Analysts speculate this incident could spur an unexpected trend among desperate clergy seeking relevance in today’s digital age. The so-called “Holy Smokes Program” promises dramatic engagement spikes but lists potential side effects such as hallucinations of celestial beings and unplanned baptisms via sprinkler systems. Faith-based social influencers are already selling ‘Liturgical Lighters’ with slogans like ‘Ignite Your Spirit!’

As for Father McMurray, rumors suggest he’s been reassigned to a remote monastery specializing in rehabilitation programs for clergy caught in compromising positions. His final sermon before retreating: “I wanted to bring you closer to God; I just didn’t mean it so literally.” Whether his method will spark a religious revival or simply burn out remains an open question, but for now, the faithful are left smoldering with curiosity—and probably a little singed.