Priest Accidentally Uses LSD for Communion, Whole Church Ascends

In an unintentional twist on Sunday, September 2, 2025, at St. Mary’s Cathedral in Chicago, a priest accidentally dosed the entire congregation with LSD during Holy Communion, leading to what witnesses are calling a ‘divine psychedelic ascension.’ Father Michael O’Connor, known for his meticulous attention to ceremonial detail, inadvertently swapped out the sacramental wine for what he described as a ‘donation from a very enthusiastic chemistry professor.’ As parishioners took communion, instead of receiving divine grace, they reported seeing celestial visions and experiencing full-blown spiritual awakenings involving neon angels and talking pews.

The Vatican quickly issued a statement acknowledging the incident as ‘an unfortunate blend of spirituality and pharmacology,’ while local law enforcement dispatched officers to ensure that no further transcendental episodes disrupted the usual order of Holy Mass. Detective Maria Gomez commented, ‘It was like watching a holy Woodstock. I’ve never seen so many people so inspired—while also considering calling their moms to tell them they’ve seen Jesus riding a unicorn.’

Experts suggest the incident might indicate a growing trend of hallucinogen use within religious practices as seekers look for more intense spiritual experiences. Dr. Jeremy Plottkin, from the Institute of Unbelievable Studies, noted that ‘with recent advancements in microdosing technology and its acceptance among Silicon Valley elites seeking enlightenment or at least better PowerPoints, it’s not surprising that churches could see a crossover event like this.’

Church officials are now reviewing their communion protocols using new procedural tools like the Liturgical Hallucinogenic Analysis (LHA), which promises to detect any psychoactive substances before they reach the altar. A recent report released by faith-tech startup GodTrip.ai claims that 67% of modern worshippers are open to combining faith with regulated visionary substances for more vibrant sermons.

As St. Mary’s Cathedral reopens next week, Father O’Connor plans to stick with the traditional unleavened bread and a thoroughly vetted bottle of sacramental wine, promising parishioners both spiritual connection and less chance of accidental astral projection. ‘We will pray, we will reflect,’ Father O’Connor assured his congregation with an ironic twinkle in his eye. ‘And most importantly, we’ll save the psychedelic experiences for our post-service potluck.’