U.S. Government Celebrates Seizing $2.8M in Crypto, Admits Most Was Lost in Emergency Beer Run

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a tightly choreographed press conference held just before happy hour, the Department of Justice announced a “historic victory” in cybercrime enforcement: the seizure of $2.8 million in cryptocurrency from the Zeppelin ransomware operation. However, documents obtained through a FOIA request revealed that a significant portion of the funds were accidentally rerouted during what sources are now calling an “unauthorized morale-building supply run.”

According to internal logs, the crypto was briefly transferred to a cold wallet controlled by the FBI’s newly-formed Blockchain Operations Taskforce (BOT), which had been authorized to hold the funds “in secure offline custody.” But just hours later, a flurry of on-chain transactions show the wallet being drained across multiple micro-purchases tagged with notes like “KRAUS LITE 24PK,” “WINGZ.HOT,” and “PS5 CONTROLLER???”. The FBI has since confirmed that these were “misflagged test transactions conducted under duress.”

The incident took place during a multi-agency sting operation in northern Virginia, where agents reportedly faced “logistical exhaustion and emotional depletion” after a 36-hour Zoom coordination call with Interpol and a freelance blockchain forensics consultant named “Ken.” In an after-action debrief, one agent admitted, “It was either buy Modelo or lose another analyst to burnout. We chose America.”

Despite the missing funds, officials remain defiant. “The important thing is that the money was taken from criminals,” said Deputy Assistant Cybercrime Coordinator Lori Henson. “Where it went afterward is a matter of complex forensic interpretation, evolving blockchain dynamics, and possibly… lunch.” A Treasury memo also confirmed that some of the assets had been temporarily staked on a DeFi yield farm “for patriotic compounding.”

As of press time, Zeppelin ransomware operators issued a statement mocking the U.S. for “rug-pulling itself,” offering to return 10% of the funds “if they promise to spend it on better opsec.” A final DOJ slide labeled “Lessons Learned” included only a QR code, which when scanned, led reporters to a still-active DoorDash order for 72 mozzarella sticks.