In a surprising turn of events on August 11, 2025, the homeless population of Washington, D.C. expressed unexpected relief upon learning that former President Donald Trump and his cabinet will be relocating to an undisclosed location. The announcement, delivered in a brief statement from the Trump Transition & Relocation Office, did not specify the date or exact destination, but promised the move would be “swift, decisive, and in the best interest of everyone involved.”
While relocation announcements from former presidents are not uncommon, this one came with an unusual detail: according to a leaked memorandum, the move will involve a “complete environmental extraction,” in which the former president’s physical presence, lingering aura, and “residual energetic footprint” will be removed from the District using a specialized Department of Energy vacuum array. Officials familiar with the process claimed it was “like an exorcism, but for zoning purposes.”
For many in the city’s unhoused population, the news represented an unexpected reprieve. “You can breathe a little easier knowing there’s less of that… static in the air,” said Malik, a long-time resident of a park near Pennsylvania Avenue. Advocates noted that while homelessness in D.C. has been driven by economic inequality, housing scarcity, and federal budget neglect, the sudden shift in “psychosocial climate” could improve public morale. An internal HUD briefing from 2022, long dismissed as fringe, suggested that certain political figures could “depress urban serotonin levels within a 15-block radius.”
The Trump Transition & Relocation Office has neither confirmed nor denied whether the undisclosed location is a government facility, a foreign country, or a floating platform in international waters. However, logistics experts believe the military will be involved, citing the appearance of unmarked semi-trailers labeled “Executive Decoy Unit 7” near the National Mall. In a parallel move, several former cabinet members have reportedly been instructed to “hibernate” until public sentiment stabilizes — a process insiders say involves cryogenic pods rented from a private contractor in Nevada.
As one man at Franklin Square summarized while sipping donated coffee, “We’ve still got problems — but at least now, the wind feels different.” City officials have warned residents to remain calm as the relocation process begins, citing the potential for “minor atmospheric disturbances” during extraction. Whether the operation will truly mark a turning point for D.C. or simply shift the turbulence elsewhere remains to be seen. The Trump Transition Office, when asked for comment, responded only with a two-word statement: “Stay tuned.”
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