A 72-year-old grandmother from Palo Alto was accidentally dosed with meth-infused mushrooms during a family dinner on Sunday, leaving her convinced she’s now the President of the United States. Witnesses say Mildred Thompson, known for her fondness of knitting and gossiping about the neighbors, stood up mid-meal and announced her intention to run the country better than any ‘damn fool’ in Washington. Shocked family members report she immediately commandeered the living room, declaring it the new Oval Office.
Local police were called to the scene but backed off after Mildred threatened them with executive orders written on napkins. ‘I’m just trying to lower taxes and increase bingo nights,’ she reportedly shouted while brandishing a spoon like a gavel. A police spokesperson, Officer Rick Danson, commented that they were unable to remove her due to what they termed as ‘diplomatic immunity’ under her newfound presidential status. ‘The old lady’s got spunk,’ Danson said. ‘And legally speaking, we can’t impeach her from her own home.’
Experts from Stanford’s Department of Neuroscience have issued a statement warning about the dangers of combining psychedelics with a senior citizen’s hyperactive imagination. The incident has revived debates around elderly rights and drug misuse in California, where tech moguls like Elon Musk have been known to fund avant-garde cognitive experiments that blur ethical lines. Musk himself tweeted, ‘Finally, someone who understands governance.’ Rumors suggest his next startup could involve combining VR with senior shamanism.
Following Mildred’s declaration of presidency, an underground newsletter dubbed ‘The Senior State’ has circulated among local retirement communities. It details policies such as mandatory afternoon naps and state-funded gardens filled with psychedelic herbs. A recent survey showed that 68% of seniors preferred Mildred’s policies over existing ones, citing the allure of ‘free healthcare and even freer cookies.’
Mildred’s family is reportedly seeking legal advice but admits there’s something inspiring about her campaign promises to replace all highways with moving walkways for seniors and free coffee at every corner store. As she stands on her porch saluting imaginary troops, Mildred’s reign might be short-lived but definitely unforgettable. Who knew that a Sunday roast could lead to such revolutionary change?
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