In an explosive twist at a Los Angeles Target, a woman known only as Karen attempted an exorcism to address her malfunctioning dildo, inadvertently summoning a ‘Customer Service Demon’ in the process. Witnesses say that upon her impassioned chants, a cloud of vape smoke and glitter emerged, congealing into a red polo-shirted demon named Chad, who offered to solve her ‘unspeakable frustrations’ with a devilish grin.
Amidst the chaos, Chad assured customers they could enjoy eternal discounts and expedited returns, provided they hand over their firstborns—or at least their gift receipts. “I am your salvation from the banal tedium of retail purgatory,” Chad declared, as Target employees scrambled to contain the spectral chaos. Though Target Corporate disavowed knowledge of any infernal contracts, they did praise Chad’s ‘proactive customer service model.’
Authorities, puzzled at first, reviewed security footage showing Chad seducing several customers into signing up for store credit cards with his hypnotic tail flicks. The Los Angeles City Council now frets over potential regulatory nightmares if demonic efficiency gains traction in retail operations. “The gig economy’s bad enough without adding brimstone bonuses,” one council member muttered, sipping on his fifth espresso of the morning.
Conspiracy forums are abuzz with theories about ancient curses woven into Target’s electronic inventory systems. Many postulate that an overzealous IT intern may have triggered a ritual of sale-driven servitude. Meanwhile, a small but vocal group of tech enthusiasts eagerly speculate about the possibilities of integrating interdimensional tech support into mainstream commerce.
Despite the bizarre spectacle, patrons appeared largely unfazed. “Honestly, if Chad can help me find a parking spot during holiday season, he can keep his pitchfork,” shrugged a mom of three, juggling her morning coffee and a bag of clearance Halloween candy. Experts, however, warn against growing too comfortable with this unholy alliance; after all, Chad’s latest promotion involves free eternities with any purchase over $50.
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