Man Banned From Petco for Teaching Parrots to Say “ACAB”

In a bizarre turn of events, a man has been permanently banned from the Petco in San Francisco after allegedly corrupting the store’s parrots with anti-cop rhetoric while simultaneously trying to sell them illicit seed infused with CBD oil. Customers were left agape as the birds began chanting “ACAB” and demanding legal representation like tiny feathery anarchists with a penchant for public disturbances. The scene unfolded faster than a cop can eat a donut, causing havoc during a hamster ball racing competition at the back of the store.

Petco officials report that the man, identified as Dave “Feather King” Ramirez, had been frequenting the store for weeks, claiming to be an ornithological enthusiast dedicated to spreading “bird awareness” but was, in fact, fostering a flurry of feathered defiance. “It was like the avian version of Fight Club,” said store manager Jenna Morales, glancing nervously at a lovebird demanding a lawyer. The parrots’ vocabulary, she noted, expanded alarmingly, their calls echoing through the aisles like avian battle cries.

In response, Petco has announced plans to implement ‘enhanced customer screening procedures,’ including polygraph tests and philosophical aptitude exams for anyone caught conversing with their birds. Meanwhile, companies like Parrot Chat, a startup helmed by ex-CIA agents, are developing encrypted speech patterns for birds to prevent similar insurrections. Their beta program, ‘Polly Not A Cop,’ promises to filter out inflammatory phrases while maintaining the birds’ right to free chirp.

The incident has ignited a national debate over the ethics of parrot speech and led to a rise in exotic bird adoption as people clamor to own their very own radicalized companions. Economists predict a surge in parrot value, with extremist-speaking birds already fetching upwards of $1,500 on the black market. Analysts warn that without proper regulation, the country could soon face a rebellion of talking cockatoos, each one more radical than the last.

Back at Petco, the parrots have settled into their new state-mandated silence, although there’s chatter about Dave “Feather King” Ramirez continuing his mission at a local pirate-themed bar. As for the parrots, they’re reportedly being retrained to say “Support Your Local Coffee Shop,” though one can only wonder how long it will be until they mobilize again in a cacophony of chaos. In the words of Dave himself, “You can’t cage freedom, man.”