In what police are calling a “supernatural incident” gone awry, 33-year-old Carl Drummond was apprehended yesterday at the Spirit Halloween store in Columbus, Ohio, after employees caught him vigorously pleasuring himself in front of a display featuring scantily clad vampire mannequins. Drummond claimed he had been possessed by the spirit of the late Hugh Hefner while shopping for a discount witch costume. “It’s like he took over my body,” he explained to the arresting officer, referencing the Playboy tycoon’s notorious libido as a perfectly reasonable excuse for public indecency.
Witnesses reported seeing Drummond muttering incantations from a clearance bin Ouija board before the alleged possession occurred. A spokesperson from Spirit Halloween issued a statement clarifying that, while they encourage spooky fun, customers should refrain from conducting seances or other occult activities within their premises. “We aim to scare, not scar,” said Cheryl Malone, the PR manager, adding that they are now considering posting signs against necromantic meddling alongside their no pets policy.
The incident has sparked debate among paranormal enthusiasts and skeptics alike. While some claim that Drummond’s story might be legitimate due to recent unexplained phenomena linked with fast fashion ghost apparel—items made from recycled poltergeist energy—others argue it’s an elaborate ploy to avoid charges. Technological advances in wearable AI have also been mentioned as a potential influence. A leaked memo from tech giant Meta hinted at “phantom software glitches” affecting augmented reality headsets, inadvertently granting users spectral experiences far beyond intended VR porn simulations.
Further investigation into Spirit Halloween’s supply chain revealed potentially disturbing connections to clandestine ghost sweatshops operating under ultra-low light conditions. Laborers reportedly toil through bioluminescent shifts guided by shadowy foremen known only as The Wraiths. Economists suggest this could explain both their low price points and sudden influx of reports regarding possessed merchandise. Analysts project sales will increase by 23% this October despite—or perhaps because of—their chilling reputation.
Back on the haunted retail floor, employees have begun taking extra precautions against wayward spirits. Store Manager Dave Jenkins announced plans to hold weekly exorcisms conducted by Father Donnelly of St. Ignatius Catholic Church. “We’ll banish these horny ghouls one rosary bead at a time,” he declared confidently. As for Carl Drummond, he’s been released on bail under strict orders to stay away from all Halloween displays until next season, lest another spectral seduction take hold of his senses.
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