In a dazzling display of automotive mischief and public indecency, a San Francisco man was nabbed by police while joyfully extracting catalytic converters from parked cars, stark naked except for a strategically placed fig leaf fashioned from exhaust pipe. Early Tuesday morning in the Mission District, ‘Crankshaft Picasso,’ as he demanded to be called, argued vociferously that his nocturnal escapade was an experimental art installation titled ‘Naked Grease.’ Witnesses, still reeling from the surreal spectacle, describe his actions as a cross between a heist and a lurid interpretive dance.
Sergeant Linda Fields, trying to contain her bewilderment, reported: ‘I approached the suspect thinking he might just be another run-of-the-mill car thief. Instead, he serenaded me with verses from ‘The Road Not Taken’ while unscrewing a Honda’s undercarriage.’ The Mission District’s avant-garde community has not yet claimed him as one of their own, but a leaked press release from ‘Artisanal Larceny Collective’ praised his ‘raw commitment to deconstructing vehicular autonomy.’ Rumors are also circulating that he might teach a masterclass titled ‘Theft as Art’—with a suggested donation of your nearest muffler.
With catalytic converter thefts skyrocketing, this bizarre defense has begun raising alarm among lawmakers and art critics alike. It’s the latest in a series of odd defenses criminals are using—like the Silicon Valley coder who claimed his Ponzi scheme was a live-action role-playing game. Meanwhile, reports suggest that a tech startup is developing a platform called ‘Art or Crime?’ where users can rate local offenses based on artistic merit, potentially funded by venture capitalists looking to hedge moral ambiguity.
Data from the Bay Area Auto Thefts Division indicates over 150 converters have gone missing in August alone, each tagged with a ‘Picasso original’ stamp, allegedly verified on the blockchain. This surge has prompted law enforcement to collaborate with curators from the Museum of Modern Art to decipher genuine art from opportunistic theft. The newly-formed ‘Artistic Crime Evaluation Taskforce’ or ACET is set to patrol hotspots with color-coded flashlights for immediate artistic assessment.
Meanwhile, Crankshaft Picasso cools his heels in county lock-up, where he’s reportedly attempting to organize an inmate art show entitled ‘Bars and Guitars,’ featuring prison-made shivs as interactive sculptures. As residents of San Francisco debate the artistic value of his escapades, one thing is clear: if crime is an art, this city’s streets are nothing short of a canvas. Picasso’s future may be uncertain, but his legacy as the Mona Lisa of catalytic converters is guaranteed to exhaust the patience of anyone with a car.
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