Subway Sandwich Artist Caught Microdosing Customers

In a bizarre twist worthy of a late-night infomercial, a Subway sandwich artist in downtown Chicago has been busted for microdosing customers with psilocybin mushrooms. Customers at the location near Millennium Park expecting just another day of bland cold cuts found themselves instead on an unexpected mystical journey. Police reports indicate the artist, going by the name of ‘Magic Mike,’ was distributing enlightenment like he was handing out packets of mayo.

Local authorities received reports of “sudden euphoria and existential epiphanies” from patrons who had unknowingly consumed the psychedelic sandwiches. “I asked for a simple Italian sub,” says Tony Ramirez, a confused yet introspective customer, “but I left with more questions than answers.” Magic Mike’s attorney claims that his client was merely “enhancing the flavor experience,” as per the misunderstood new corporate ‘Eat Fresh’ directive.

This incident comes as Subway faces increased competition from tech-driven culinary innovations, including AI-designed burgers and drone-delivered sushi. The chain has struggled to shake its reputation for questionable ingredient choices and waning foot traffic. This scandal might inadvertently boost their profile, say industry analysts, who note that psilocybin microdosing is now more popular than oat milk among Silicon Valley circles.

Health departments are urging caution as the long-term effects of accidental psychedelic consumption are still being studied. Early data suggests that 60% of consumers reported spontaneous philosophical debates with strangers, while 40% engaged in impromptu dance sessions. Despite these unexpected outcomes, Subway management remains tight-lipped, declining to comment on whether new “psyche-wiches” will feature in the upcoming marketing strategy.

As the story unfolds, the chain’s customer base is left grappling with what has been dubbed ‘The Psychedelic Six-Inch Scandal.’ Meanwhile, Magic Mike is reportedly in talks to headline a new reality show called ‘Tripping Gourmet.’ Until then, customers are advised to be cautious when ordering the special of the day—lest their lunch break turns into a journey through the multiverse.