Woman Caught Stealing Lobsters From Red Lobster, Claims “Emotional Support Pets”

In a bizarre twist of events at a Houston Red Lobster, a woman was apprehended attempting to smuggle out three lobsters by using a condom as a makeshift carrying device. The incident occurred late Tuesday evening when patrons noticed a commotion involving seafood and latex at the restaurant’s entrance. According to local authorities, the woman claimed that the lobsters were her emotional support pets, a justification that left diners both puzzled and amused.

Eyewitnesses reported that the woman, identified as Lorna Cartwright, engaged in an animated conversation with the crustaceans while dining alone. “I have deep emotional bonds with Larry, Curly, and Moe here,” she declared passionately when confronted by the restaurant’s manager. An official Red Lobster memo has now humorously updated their customer policy to include: “Please do not bring your emotional support lobsters unless they are accompanied by proper documentation and not wrapped in prophylactic devices.”

This incident is not entirely surprising given the recent trend of unusual emotional support animals gaining traction nationwide. In fact, the Emotional Support Animal Association (ESAA) has seen a 45% increase in non-traditional animal registration this year alone, including reptiles and mollusks. Just last month, Congress debated the legitimacy of such claims in light of Silicon Valley executives lobbying for AI-generated virtual pets as legitimate emotional support entities.

The rise of unconventional emotional support animals has led to some unexpected side effects. According to market analysts, sales of condoms in seafood restaurants have spiked by over 32%, sparking a new industry term: “Crustacean Carrying Kit.” Some establishments now offer discreet packaging options for patrons who might engage in similar lobster-loving escapades.

As Cartwright awaits her court date, supporters have rallied online under hashtags like #LobsterLove and #FreeLarryCurlyMoe. Meanwhile, Red Lobster executives are rumored to be considering a limited-time menu item inspired by the affair, playfully titled “Lorna’s Emotional Catch.” Perhaps we’re witnessing the dawn of an entirely new culinary craze—condoms not included.